


A Morning Meeting -The Prequel-

by ReeLeeV



Series: A Walk in the Night [2]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Depression, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-18
Updated: 2017-06-28
Packaged: 2018-09-25 06:36:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 37,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9807533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ReeLeeV/pseuds/ReeLeeV
Summary: During the passed few months, Yoo Kihyun has become more and more not himself. He treats Hyunwoo awfully, inadvertently dragging their friends into this mess. No one knows, though, just what Kihyun is going through..... until it's too late.Artwork done by the best Big Sis a girl could ask for, @maxeyandglitter (Twitter)





	1. Chapter 1

 

 

Kihyun sits with his knees pressed to his chest against the door to his dorm, rocking back and forth as he tries to get a handle on things. He’s just had another fight with Hyunwoo, the third one this week. He doesn’t know why he puts the older through such torment when they both know he’s done nothing to deserve it.

“You’re pathetic,” the voice sneers. Kihyun shakes his head, pressing his hands to his ears in a desperate attempt to block it out. “All you do is bring misery and pain to those around you. All they want to do is love you, but you don’t deserve it. You’re a weak excuse for a human being…”

“No,” Kihyun whimpers in response, shaking his head adamantly.

“You should just end it,” it continues, coming to the same conclusion it always does. “Do everyone a favor and get rid of yourself. Let those around you be happy for once. It’s the best thing you can do for them now.”

“No!” Kihyun shouts, hitting the sides of his head, trying to get the voice to stop. Of course, it doesn’t work. Nothing ever makes it shut up. Nothing ever will, not until he—

 

The ringing of his cell phone jars him from his thoughts. He glances around confusedly, surprised anyone would want to speak with him right now. Surely the others know about the fight by now. He wipes at his face as he goes to answer the call, only now realizing the tears streaked down his cheeks.

“Kihyun-ah?”

Of course it’s Hoseok. Hoseok always calls after Kihyun and Hyunwoo fight. Hyunwoo always runs to Minhyuk for solace, and Hoseok always calls Kihyun to get the full story and to make sure he’s okay. Trouble is, Kihyun never knows how to answer that second question.

“Hi, hyung,” Kihyun answers, his voice coming out shakily.

“I take it you and Hyunwoo-ya fought again?” he prompts At Kihyun’s silence, he adds, “Look, I’m not meaning to tell you how to run your life or anything, but Minhyuk and I have been talking. We think that maybe it’d be better if you and Hyunwoo spent some time apart…” He pauses, waiting for a response. When there is none, he goes on. “I know it isn’t really our place, but we care about you two, and we’re wondering if all these fights aren’t just because you two moved in together too early. Maybe if you spent some time away from each other, you’d stop all this fighting.”

“You know that isn’t it,” the voice whispers in Kihyun’s ear. He feels its overwhelming presence within him, distracting him from his current conversation. “You know that it has nothing to do with when you two moved in together. It’s nothing to do with him. It’s all your fault.”

“Kihyunnie?” Hoseok’s voice breaks through, gently demanding his attention. Kihyun shakes his head, rubbing his eyes with his other hand.

“Sorry, hyung,” he mumbles, sitting slowly on his bed with a sigh. “What were you saying?”

“I just said,” Hoseok says slowly, as if listening hard for a sign of someone there other than Kihyun, “that maybe you two just moved too fast. You’ve only been dating for a few months, after all. Some people date for years before moving in together. If you and Hyunwoo are willing to test this out, Hyunwoo can take my bed at mine and Minhyuk’s place, and I can take his at your place. Only temporarily, of course.”

“Great,” the voice murmurs, “yet another person to disappoint and make hate you. That sounds like a perfect idea.”

“Kihyun-ah?” Hoseok asks wearily. “Is there someone there with you?” Kihyun’s surprised at this question, blinking in shock. “I ask because you seem a bit more distracted than usual.” Kihyun sighs, mentally kicking himself. Of course Hoseok hadn’t heard the voice, no one ever heard it but him.

“I’ll have to speak with Hyunwoo about the room switch idea,” Kihyun says, ignoring the question. He likes to keep from lying to his hyungs when he can, although it’s something that seems to be more and more unavoidable by the day. “If you need a place to sleep tonight, though, feel free to come by. I know this is the last place hyung would want to be right now.” He understands it, and is eaten up with guilt about it. If he could just keep his temper in check, maybe he wouldn’t be so horrible to his boyfriend that he didn’t even feel comfortable coming home.

“Alright,” Hoseok agrees, noting how Kihyun had brushed off his question, “I’ll text if I end up needing a place to stay.” Kihyun hums in acknowledgment, and tells his hyung bye before hanging up.

 

Hoseok stares at his phone suspiciously, almost certain there had been someone there with Kihyun on the other end. But, who could it be? Who would be over so soon after Kihyun had another fight with Hyunwoo? Why would Kihyun let anyone in after going through yet another bout with Hyunwoo? How long had Hyunwoo been gone, anyway? Usually, he runs immediately to his and Minhyuk's dorm after they fight… Hoseok can't help but be suspicious of the notion of someone being over at Kihyun and Hyunwoo’s dorm. He sighs, brushing his long bangs out of his face as he stands to leave the library. After packing up and sending an update text to Minhyuk, Hoseok begins to make his way towards his friend’s dorm.

 

“Hyung,” Minhyuk begins, but the dull, pained stare causes him to pause a moment before trying again. “Hyung, you should take a shower. It's been a long day.”

“It's been a long three months,” Hyunwoo murmurs, tipping his fourth bottle up as he presses it against his lips. It isn't as if Hyunwoo particularly likes beer, to be honest, but the more he drinks the more tolerable the taste becomes, and the number he is to his own exhaustion. He sighs before continuing. “I don't know why Kihyunnie keeps me around, if he really hates me as much as he seems to. I try to be there for him. I try to help him whenever he seems down—which is all the time now, it seems—, but he always picks a fight with me instead of accepting it.”

“It isn't your fault, hyung,” Minhyuk tells him. “You've been nothing less than perfect to Kihyun. I don't know why he's treating you like this, but it isn't because of anything you've done. Kihyun-ah has seemed a bit… troubled lately. When he's ready to talk to someone about it, I know he will. But, until that happens, you can't keep letting him treat you like this.”

“He just needs some time,” Hyunwoo defends, shaking his head. “I won't leave Kihyun-ah when he needs me.” Hyunwoo then stands, patting Minhyuk on the shoulder. “I think I'll go take that shower now. Do you mind if I stay the night? I think it'll be better if I just let Kihyun be for tonight. He always feels so bad after we fight, and he needs some sleep tonight. He won't get that if he's busy feeling guilty over our fight if I go back.”

Minhyuk watches the older with a small smile, having to bite his tongue. He waits until Hyunwoo disappears into the bathroom before puffing out a sigh, shaking his head at his friends. He didn't mean for Hyunwoo to take his suggestion that way. The last thing he wants to tell them is to break up. He can easily see Kihyun losing whatever shreds of stability he has left if Hyunwoo breaks up with him. No, he had only meant to bring up the idea him and Hoseok had been trying to suggest to the couple for weeks. Perhaps it did come out wrong, Minhyuk realizes as he replays the conversation in his head. Maybe he'll try again later…. Or maybe he'll just wait for Kihyun to bring it up to him. Hyunwoo would be more willing to listen to his boyfriend about it, anyway.


	2. Chapter 2

Hoseok knocks on the front door to Kihyun and Hyunwoo’s dorm, a pack of beer under his arm and a bag of takeout hanging from his hand. Typically, he wouldn't bother bringing food over to Kihyun’s, the younger being a skilled cook more than able to provide food for all. However, the past couple times Hoseok has visited, the kitchen has been pretty empty. Besides, Kihyun loves fried chicken. He's sure to appreciate the comfort food right now. He waits, incredibly anxious to be staying the night. Although, not anxious for himself. His worry for Kihyun fills his mind, causing his fingers to nervously tap out a rhythm on his thigh as he waits. Finally, the door slowly opens. Hoseok throws on a smile to greet his friend, but feels it falter slightly at the sight that awaits him.

Kihyun stares at him with shaking eyes, his entire being seeming to fidget nervously. His gaze darts all around him, as if looking for something. His hair is a disheveled mess, and bags line the younger’s eyes. 

“Hi, hyung,” Kihyun greets, his voice sounding a bit weak. He moves to allow the older entrance, waving at him to come in. Hoseok steps in, closing the door behind himself. He makes sure to place his shoes in the shoe rack by the door, thinking it best not to annoy Kihyun with his messy habits tonight.

“How’re you doing, Kihyun-ah?” Hoseok asks, sitting down on the floor. Kihyun merely shrugs, swallowing anxiously. Hoseok waits for him to elaborate, but he doesn’t. “Well,” Hoseok says after a moment of awkward silence, “I brought beer and fried chicken. So, eat up.” Kihyun sits down cross-legged across from his friend, and slowly helps him take out the food.

 

For a while, only the sounds of chewing and swallowing are all that can be heard in the room. Hoseok wants to speak with his friend, console him in some way, but he doesn’t know how. Kihyun’s frazzled state totally caught Hoseok off guard, and makes it impossible for him to feel like it’s okay to ask him, well, anything. He wants so much to help Kihyun through whatever he’s clearly going through, but how can he do that if he can’t even speak to the younger? Hoseok sighs, wishing Minhyuk were there. Minhyuk’s always good in these situations.

 

“He doesn’t even want to be here,” the voice tells Kihyun. “Look at him, eating over there and not speaking to you at all. He only came because he needs a place to stay for tonight, because of your mess. He doesn’t care about you. No one cares.”

“K-Kihyun-ah,” Hoseok says finally, surprising Kihyun. The younger looks up from his food, doing his best to ignore the voice. “Would you please tell me what’s wrong?” Kihyun tries for a joking smile, but before he can try to ease the older’s mind, Hoseok goes on. “Don’t tell me there’s nothing wrong, Kihyun-ah, because I know there is. If the way you’re treating Hyunwoo isn’t enough evidence, you’ve already told me about your falling grades. You don’t seem to be interested in doing much around the dorm anymore, either, judging by how bare your kitchen is lately. You seem to be losing interest in everything that used to matter to you.”

“Your grades are falling because you’re so stupid you can’t even grasp the simplest of concepts,” the voice rapidly whispers to him. “What’s the point of doing housework if everything just gets messed up again, anyway? There is no point. There’s no point to anything anymore.”

“Kihyun-ah?” Hoseok prods, his eyes shining with concern. Kihyun swallows thickly, hesitant.

“Do you…” Kihyun pauses, struggling to find the right words. “Do you ever feel that maybe you’re not good enough?” 

“Of course,” Hoseok answers easily. “I think a lot of people have self-esteem issues, ya know. Especially in college, when we’re all just trying to find ourselves.” Kihyun nods, losing the nerve to go further into detail. 

Hoseok is silent for a while, sensing there’s more to this than Kihyun is letting on. But, he doesn’t press him for more. He gets the sense that if he tries to get Kihyun to tell him more than the younger is willing, it’d only result in Kihyun pulling further away.

 

Hoseok decides to change the subject to something more lighthearted. He begins joking around about a certain movie they, Hyunwoo, and Minhyuk had gone to see together a few weeks ago. Kihyun’s face finally breaks out into a small smile, the sight warming Hoseok’s heart. He loves to see the younger smile, absolutely adores those impossibly large dimples on his face. It’s incredibly cute, to say the least. He could just stare at those dimples forever if Kihyun would let him.

“Hyung?” Kihyun asks, noticing Hoseok’s drifting attention. Hoseok blinks rapidly, realizing he’s been staring at the younger with a goofy smile, and shakes his head. 

“S-Sorry,” he stutters out, forcing a nonchalant laugh. “Just thinking about that movie.”

Kihyun stares at the older, not quite believing his excuse. However, he allows the conversation to move on anyway. It’s not as if he has a right to press the other for information, anyway. Not when he’s holding back so much of his own.

 

After finishing dinner and cleaning up, Hoseok and Kihyun turn in for the night. Hoseok lies down in Hyunwoo’s bed, staring up into the dark. He listens to Kihyun’s soft snore from across the room, unable to keep the smile off his face. There’s something oddly soothing about it, almost like a lullaby. He turns on his side to face the wall, doing his best to avert his attention from the younger. 

It’s been a while since he’s had such thoughts about Kihyun like he did earlier. He could’ve sworn himself to be over his crush on the younger for a while now, but apparently not. He doesn’t understand it, though. It’s been months since he’s thought of the younger in such a way. Why now? Because him and Hyunwoo are having problems? That’s stupid, not to mention incredibly selfish. He can’t even think of trying to make a move on Kihyun right now, when he’s going through such a difficult time with… whatever it is that’s bothering him. 

Before all this began, Hyunwoo and Kihyun were almost nauseatingly happy with each other. Hoseok had developed a certain affection for the younger around the time the two began to date, but he never told anyone. Well, aside from Minhyuk, but Minhyuk doesn’t really count. He tells Minhyuk everything. He never acted on the desire, believing with all he has Kihyun to be better off with Hyunwoo. Hyunwoo has always been much more stable than Hoseok, much more of a protective presence. He’d be able to make Kihyun so much happier than Hoseok ever could.

At least, that’s what he’s always thought about the situation. He’d accepted his fate to only ever be a good friend to Kihyun pretty soon after realizing the crush, burying it down deep inside and letting it die. However, now it seems it never actually did. 

Hoseok sighs, not believing his terrible luck. Why now, when he’s trying to play the part of supportive friend, must he realize this? Why does it have to be when his friends’ relationship seems to be at its worst that these feelings resurface?

A whimper suddenly snatches Hoseok out of his inner turmoil. He glances over at Kihyun questioningly, wondering if the younger is awake. Silence wraps itself between the two, and Hoseok thinks it was probably just his imagination. But, as he moves to return his gaze to the wall, Kihyun whimpers again. 

“N-No,” Kihyun mumbles in his sleep. Hoseok hears him change his position, shifting about in his covers until he finally settles again. 

He fights the urge to awaken the younger from the bad dream he’s obviously having, thinking that to be more of a boyfriend move than a friend one. A sudden urge to hold the younger and assure him softly that it’s all only a nightmare fills him, and he can’t help but smile at the thought. He quickly shakes his head though, banishing it from his mind. He sighs, turning towards the wall once more. 

He sends up a silent prayer that Kihyun and Hyunwoo make up soon, if for anything else to be able to sleep in his own bed again. He can’t bear the thought of having to listen to Kihyun whimpering so cutely yet pitifully in his sleep for two nights in a row. He doesn’t think he’d be able to keep himself from crossing over to the other bed and holding his friend close for that long.


	3. Chapter 3

Kihyun watches the sun come up the next morning, having been unable to sleep since he awoke from his nightmare. He doesn't know why the dream still affects him so much, for it's the same dream he's been having for months.

A black cloud follows him, growing bigger and bigger with every passing second. It infects all those close to him, making his friends and family turn away from him. He's eventually left alone to live the rest of his days in involuntary isolation. Eventually, his dream self decides life to just not be worth it anymore. He finally realizes just how worthless he is, just how much his existence doesn't matter, and he decides to erase himself from this uncaring world. 

He always manages to wake up before he does it, though.

A snore comes from across the room, distracting Kihyun enough from his dream to glance over at Hoseok. The older is sleeping soundly, completely unaware of Kihyun's nightmare. A part of him wants to talk to him about it, getting the sense that he'd be a great person to have listen to it. He could possibly even help Kihyun resolve whatever it is causing this recurring nightmare, and therefore help him do away with it.

"Why burden him with it?" the voice asks in a cooing tone. "He wouldn't be able to help you if you did. No one is able to help you. They can't fix how much of a waste you are. Only you can."

Kihyun shakes his head, getting up and slipping on some shoes. He throws on a hoodie, and writes a quick note to the older in case he doesn’t return before Hoseok wakes up. He then grabs his keys and phone and leaves, needing to clear his head.

 

The young man walks around campus, enjoying the serene calm of dawn. No one is ever out this early, which is what makes this his favorite part of the day. A slight fog hovers at Kihyun's ankles as he nears his destination, wrapping itself around him. He feels comforted by the fog, for some reason. 

He comes to the dock, sitting on the pier and dangling his feet over the river. He always comes here whenever he needs to figure things out. It's a sanctuary, of sorts. It’s the only place the voice doesn’t ever bother him at. No one is ever here when he comes, mostly because he always finds himself coming here at sunrise. It's a calming place, the current of the water always constant. It's nice for Kihyun to think that some things, like the current of the river, will always stay the same. He used to believe that Hyunwoo and him would always be that stable. God, how he wants to go back to that.

He sighs, leaning back on his hands. If he could just stay here forever... Well, that'd be paradise. His fingers stretch out against the wooden planks, scraping against a rock. Kihyun glances over at the object, picking it up thoughtfully.

If I can’t spend my life here, he thinks, a smile coming to him, then I’ll just take a piece with me. 

He then slips the rock into his pocket, it already giving him a sense of calm that he hasn’t felt for a long time.

 

Hoseok wakes up to the smell of cooking food. He stretches out the length of the bed, and sits up ruffling his hair. He squints around, attempting to discern where he is. He's always so disoriented after first waking up, equating it with waking up from the dead.

He spots Kihyun in the kitchen area of the dorm, standing over a skillet. 

"Kihyun-ah?" Hoseok asks confusedly. Kihyun turns, giving the older a small smile. Something about him seems different, seems much more at peace than the previous night.

“Good morning, hyung,” he greets. “Did you sleep well?”

“Um,” Hoseok says, Kihyun’s chipper attitude throwing him off. “I did, thanks. Did you?” Kihyun’s smile tightens slightly, telling Hoseok that he most certainly didn’t.

“I’ve slept better,” is all he says. Hoseok curiously watches him move about, wondering if his nightmare had woken him up. How long had he been awake, anyway? It usually takes Kihyun a while to become this active after waking up. Before he can ask, though, Kihyun comes over to him with breakfast. “I wanted to thank you for coming over last night,” Kihyun says softly. “You and Minhyuk have been really patient and supportive with Hyunwoo and me for the past few weeks. Hopefully this’ll be the last time we need your help like this, though.”

“No offense,” Hoseok says as he takes the food, “but that’s great to hear.” They share a laugh, and Kihyun leaves to retrieve his own food before sitting on the floor.

 

They eat in silence, but this time it isn’t nearly as tense as as last night. Kihyun’s easygoing mood is a refreshing change from the frazzled mess he was then. Hoseok swallows his last bite, having eaten quickly so as not to be late to class. He takes the dishes to the sink and rinses them off. He thanks Kihyun for the meal and begins to leave, but pauses at the door, unable to keep his questions to himself.

“Kihyun-ah,” he says, glancing at the younger, “please don’t take this the wrong way, because it’s great to see you like this, but what brought this on? It’s so different from how you were last night, or from how you’ve been for the past few weeks, for that matter.” Kihyun pauses, searching for the best way to word it.

“I guess,” he says, feeling the rock on is pocket press against his leg encouragingly, “that you could say I’ve found my inner-calm.” Hoseok stares at him, waiting for more details, but Kihyun doesn’t offer anything more. Hoseok figures he just has to accept it, and only gives the younger a smile and a nod before leaving. 

 

Hoseok walks into his first class after running quickly by his dorm to shower and get his things. He looks around the hall for Minhyuk, and goes to sit beside him immediately upon sighting the younger. 

“Minhyukkie,” Hoseok begins, pulling out his notebook as he speaks, “I think last night was the last time we’ll have to do the room-switch.” Minhyuk’s gaze snaps over to him, silently demanding him to continue. “First off, it’s kinda weird, how Kihyun’s attitude just did this sudden turnaround, but I’m not going to complain.”

“Hyung,” Minhyuk says, sensing a babble coming on from the older, “get to the point.”

“Right,” Hoseok chuckles. “Anyway, last night Kihyun was seeming really… unhinged, I guess. But, this morning he was acting… well… He was acting like he used to before all these fights started.”

“Really?” Minhyuk asks disbelievingly. Hoseok nods, clearly excited. “Do you know why?”

“He just said he had found his inner-peace or something,” Hoseok explains with a shrug. “I don’t know what happened, but at the same time I’m not going to question it too much. I mean, don’t look a gift horse in the mouth, ya know.” He pauses, the lights in the room dimming. Their professor steps up to the podium, bringing up the powerpoint presentation.

“He did ask me last night about self-esteem issues,” Hoseok whispers thoughtfully. “I told him that everyone goes through it, that it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Maybe that helped him more than I realized.” 

Minhyuk hums thoughtfully, his hand already writing what the professor is saying. He doesn’t know quite what to say to Hoseok’s news. Such a sudden change from Kihyun is so unexpected, it’s so terribly hard to believe. Of course, all these fights were really sudden, too. So, maybe Kihyun was really just going through self-esteem issues? Maybe Hoseok had helped unknowingly with a seemingly simple comment, like in the movies? 

He sighs, shaking his head to refocus on the lecture. He guesses he’ll just have to wait and see how he is at lunch.


	4. Chapter 4

Kihyun approaches the typical lunch table for this day of the week, already spotting Minhyuk and Hoseok. He sits down across from them, smiling easily to his hyungs.

“Kihyun-ah,” Minhyuk greets, taken aback by the younger’s bright expression. He glances over at Hoseok, who only gives him an I-told-you-so glance before returning his attention to his meal.

“Hi, Minhyuk-ssi,” he answers. He looks around before sitting down, seeming hesitant. “Do… Do you know if Hyunwoo-hyung is coming by today? I need to talk to him.” Minhyuk shrugs, doing his best to seem nonchalant despite his excitement at this turn of events.

“He was gone before I woke up this morning,” Minhyuk replies. “I’m sure he is, though. There’s no way he’s missing lunch.” Hoseok and Minhyuk share a chuckle at the comment, knowing well the truth of it. Because of Hyunwoo’s participation in the university’s swimming team, he’s always hungry.

As if on cue, Hyunwoo appears on the horizon, carrying a bag of food. His steps falter at seeing Kihyun sitting there waiting for him. He hadn’t expected to see Kihyun until later that night. Usually, they would avoid each other in public after a fight until they had a chance to speak privately. 

“Hyung,” Kihyun says as he approaches, doing his best to keep his smile despite his nerves, “could we talk?” Hyunwoo nods, blushing at the younger’s gentle tone. It’s been a while since he had spoken to him in such a way. Kihyun stands from his seat and leads the older a few feet away, out of earshot of their curious friends. Both are silent for a moment, neither quite knowing how to begin the conversation.

“I’m sorry, hyung,” Kihyun finally says, his gaze lingering on his shoes. “It’s impossible to tell you how sorry I am about how I’ve treated you lately. You didn’t deserve it, and never will.” He pauses a moment, hating himself for saying what comes next. “If you want to break up because of it, I couldn’t blame you at all…”

“Kihyunnie,” Hyunwoo says softly, shaking his head adamantly. “Of course I don’t want to leave you. I still love you, despite how it’s been lately.” 

“You can’t understand how much that means to me,” Kihyun tells him, feeling so happy he could cry. He grasps the older’s hand, lacing his fingers through the other’s. “I promise, from now on things will be different, how they should be.” Hyunwoo smiles, his plump lips curving up into an incredibly cute grin. Kihyun steps forward to hug him, a gesture Hyunwoo is delighted to return. 

 

“I guess they’ve officially made up,” Minhyuk observes, watching the couple in the distance. Hoseok glances up from his ramyeon, nodding at seeing the couple’s embrace.

“Guess so,” he says. He then resumes his slurping, eager to finish his lunch. Minhyuk glances over at him admiringly.

“You’re a miracle-worker, after all,” he says. “I gotta say, I’m surprised. By the way things were going, I was sure those two were done for. I’m glad I was wrong, though.” Hoseok nods, drinking the remaining broth in the disposable bowl. 

“I’m going to the dorm,” Hoseok tells Minhyuk as he stands. “I’ve got a few chapters to read before my next class.” Minhyuk nods, watching the older’s retreating back suspiciously. Despite the happy turn of events, he didn’t seem all that thrilled.

 

Hoseok sits cross-legged on his bed, staring at the book in his lap. He doesn’t know how long he’s been staring at the same page, trying to focus but unable to.

It isn’t that he’s unhappy with the resolution of his two friends. On the contrary, he’s indescribably happy with Kihyun figuring out whatever was bothering him and resolving it. If it had somehow been something he said that had helped his friend, then all the better. So, why is it that he can’t seem to turn his thoughts away from Hyunwoo and Kihyun’s loving embrace from before…

Surely he couldn’t be jealous…, right?

He shakes his head, running his hands through his hair in aggravation. He glances at the clock, noticing it’s time for him to leave for class. Officially giving up, he gathers his things and leaves, hoping to leave these confusing thoughts behind.

 

“Hyung,” Kihyun calls, knocking on the bathroom door. “Dinner’s ready!” He twirls the rock around in his hand, nodding as he hears the shower water being shut off. 

“I’ll be there in a minute, Kihyunnie,” Hyunwoo mumbles on the other side. Kihyun hums in acknowledgment, moving to set out the food he’s prepared. He drops the rock in his pocket, unable to keep the smile from his face. He hadn’t heard the voice since he had visited the river that morning. He couldn’t remember the last time he had gone through a whole day without it telling him how useless he is, and to be honest he doesn’t care. All he cares about is that it’s finally stopped. Now he can focus on fixing things with Hyunwoo. 

The two sit down to dinner and begin to eat after Hyunwoo exits the bathroom, his skin slightly flushed from the hot water. Neither speak, Hyunwoo too busy eating to do so and Kihyun too busy watching him to bother trying.

 

Near the end of the meal, the younger notices a piece of seaweed hanging from his boyfriend’s bottom lip from the soup he made. Kihyun chuckles, reaching up gently to pluck it off. He pauses a moment, quirking up a brow. 

“You always eat so messily, hyung,” Kihyun comments, shaking his head before popping the seaweed into his mouth. He shakes his head amusedly, resting his head on the older’s broad shoulder and leaning into his side. Hyunwoo sighs, holding the younger close to him.

“Kihyun-ah,” Hyunwoo murmurs against the younger’s hair, “I love you so much.” Kihyun hums agreeingly, knowing the older will understand. He’s suddenly very tired, his lack of sleep from the night before, and many others for that matter, catching up with him. He snuggles even closer, yawning widely. Hyunwoo notices this, and silently pulls the younger into his arms. He gently sets Kihyun in his bed, earning mumbled protests from him. Hyunwoo only tucks him into bed, pressing a kiss to his forehead before turning to gather the dishes. After cleaning up he turns off the light and goes to bed, the Buddha-like smile on his face never leaving him.


	5. Chapter 5

Three months of bliss pass by for the four friends. Kihyun and Hyunwoo’s relationship is as strong as ever, permanently having put their troubled weeks behind them. Kihyun has brought his grades back up, and a sense of normalcy returns to him as everything in his life reverts to how he feels it should be. The voice has been silent all the while, and his nightmares only come about once a week now instead of every night. Hoseok has even managed to subdue his crush on the younger for good, or so he thinks. 

Everything is working out for them, their lives going as great as they could be… until Kihyun loses the one thing that’s helped him keep it all together.

 

“Kihyun-ah,” Hyunwoo calls, hovering at the door. “Come on, we’re going to be late meeting the others if we don’t leave now.” Kihyun glances up, a frantic light painting his eyes. He had been looking now for about ten minutes, tearing the dorm apart for it but unable to find it. He hadn’t tried going out without it yet, worried that if he were to the voice would return in an instant.

“Go on without me, hyung,” he tells the older. “I’ll be fine walking there on my own. I’ve got to find something before I go.” Hyunwoo watches his boyfriend wearily, unsure if he should stay and help or not.

“What’re you looking for?” he asks, deciding that helping the younger is more important to being late to a friendly get-together. Kihyun hesitates, feeling embarrassed about it. He hadn’t told Hyunwoo yet about his calming rock, because that would require an explanation about why he needs it in the first place. He had never gotten around to telling Hyunwoo about the voice that had disappeared, mainly because it wasn’t an issue anymore. Needless to say, the answer to his question would require a lengthy conversation neither had the time for right now.

“It’s okay,” Kihyun decides, swallowing thickly. “I… I’ll be fine without it for now. I can just find it when we get back.” He tries for a smile, but feels it comes out more as a grimace. He absentmindedly begins to tap his thigh nervously, telling himself that he’ll be okay. It’ll only be for a few hours. He can manage until he gets back. Hyunwoo watches him curiously, wondering why he didn’t answer the question, but decides not to ask.

“Alright,” he says slowly. Kihyun slips his hand into the older’s, hoping his calm presence to be a substitute for the night. 

They leave the dorm, Kihyun unconsciously taking a deep breath as his foot crosses the threshold. He expects for the voice to immediately bombard him, for the force of such negativity to hit him so hard he scurries back into the dorm and doesn’t leave until that stupid little rock is found. However, it doesn’t come. 

Kihyun smiles over at Hyunwoo relievedly, the reaction to stepping outside a bit odd to the older. However, he doesn’t want to break whatever good mood seems to have overtaken his boyfriend, so he leaves it be.

 

“Kihyun-ah,” Minhyuk says, turning to glance at the younger sitting beside him. Kihyun looks over, his gaze slightly glazed over by the numerous beers he’s consumed throughout the night. “Do you think that bartender is hot? I may try my hand at him.” Minhyuk waggles his eyebrow suggestively, causing Kihyun to chuckle. He moves his gaze to the other side of the bar, his eyes landing on Hoseok immediately.

“Of course he’s hot,” Kihyun replies easily, silently grateful that his words aren’t coming out slurred. Or, at least, he doesn’t think so. It’s hard to hear himself over the karaoke corner in the back of the bar. “It’s Hoseok-hyung, after all. He’s always been super attractive.” Okay, now he’s sure he slurred that. He leans over in his chair, laughing at how his own lisp sounds when paired with an intoxicated slur.

“Not hyung!” Minhyuk shouts, laughing as he claps the younger on the back. “I meant the new guy!” Kihyun squints to focus on the other bartender working that night. He doesn’t recognize him from any of his classes, so he can’t say anything about his personality. As far as Kihyun knows, it’s the other bartender’s first night working at the bar as well. He shrugs, assessing the stranger’s appearance.

“I don’t know,” Kihyun answers. “I mean, he’s cute and all, but I don’t think he’s hot.” Minhyuk rolls his eyes.

“He just isn’t your type,” Minhyuk tells him. “You like guys that are more muscular, but I like ‘em chubby and cuddly.” He then glances over at Hoseok, calling him over with a wave of his hand. Hoseok has to hold back a laugh at the sight of his two friends wobbling on their stools. They’d been there for hours, taking full advantage of Hoseok’s employee discount, so it’s understandable.

“What is it, Minhyukkie?” he asks upon nearing them, casually sliding a bowl of peanuts towards them. Kihyun immediately sets upon the bowl, devouring the snack in an instant. Hoseok chuckles at this, giving the pair two more bowls.

“I wanna know about that guy,” Minhyuk murmurs quietly to Hoseok, pointing at the bartender in question. Or, at least, he thinks it’s quietly. In reality he’s yelling much louder than necessary to be heard over the terrible singing going on behind them. Hoseok follows the younger’s finger, pushing it down at seeing who it’s pointing to.

“I don’t know much about him,” Hoseok shrugs. “It’s his first night working here. All I know is that he’s a student.” Minhyuk pouts at the lack of information, dropping his head in his hands despondently. “Sorry, Minhyukkie,” the older tells him, ruffling his hair instinctively. 

“You should go talk to him,” Kihyun encourages, nodding with a determined frown. Minhyuk begins to nod as well, the words taking a moment to sink in.

“Yeah,” he says, “I will.” He makes as if to stand, but Hoseok reaches over to push him back down by the shoulders.

“You better sober up before doing that,” he warns. He nods towards the peanuts with a pointed glance as he continues, “Eat those, and I’ll bring you some water. Then you can think about going to talk to him.”

“But I wanna talk to him now,” Minhyuk whines, pouting again. Hoseok sighs, knowing how tiresome the younger can be when drunk.

“Fine,” Hoseok says, “make a fool of yourself and ruin any chance you may have with him.” Minhyuk humphs in surrender, plopping back down on the seat and shoving the peanuts into his mouth. Hoseok nods, an approving smile coming to him. “I’ll go get you that water.”

“You go get you that water,” Minhyuk mumbles. Kihyun laughs at the comment, and sighs as he lies his head down on the bar. He wishes Hyunwoo were still with them, but the older has an early morning class the next day. Or, is it today now? What time is it? Kihyun lifts his head and glances down at his phone. He sees that it’s well past midnight by now.

“Do you two mind if I crash at your place tonight?” Kihyun asks Minhyuk, earning a curious glance from the older. “I don’t want to wake up Hyunwoo when I get back in.”

“Sure,” Minhyuk nods understandingly. Kihyun smiles gratefully, and sets his head back down.

“You’re such a nuisance,” a familiar voice whispers to him. Kihyun’s head snaps up, glancing around wildly to figure out who just spoke. His inebriated state slows his ability to recognize immediately where he knows it from. Minhyuk is sullenly eating peanuts as he stares at the bar, showing no signs of having heard anything, and Hoseok hasn’t yet returned with the water. “You make trouble for others doing the simplest of things.”

Kihyun realizes where he’s heard this voice before. He squeezes his eyes shut as he shakes his head, pressing it against the bar.

“You thought you had gotten rid of me,” the voice continues. “Of course you thought that. Only you’d be stupid enough to think so. But, you can’t keep me out, Kihyunnie,” it sneers, somehow perverting the cute nickname. “You can’t keep out the truth.” 

“No,” Kihyun whines under his breath.

“You know what that truth is?” it asks as if he had said nothing. “It’s that you’re a worthless, spineless, talentless, waste of a space. You’re worth less than a chewed-up piece of gum on the bottom of someone’s shoe. We both know that everyone would be better off without you around. They’d just have one less problem in their lives.”

“No, no, no,” Kihyun murmurs, regretting leaving the dorm at all without his rock. 

“Kihyunnie?” Hoseok’s voice suddenly asks. Kihyun glances up, the concerned look on the older’s face pulling at his heart guiltily. “Are you okay?”

“I’m going home,” Kihyun mumbles, the sudden return of the voice terrifying him. He has to go find that rock, and fast. He slams down some money on the bar, and puts on his coat as he stumbles away from the stool. Hoseok watches him worriedly, already moving to tell the new guy that he’s going to take a break. He grabs his own coat and throws it on, having to run to catch up with the younger. For a drunk young man, Kihyun sure can wobble fast.


	6. Chapter 6

“Kihyun-ah!” Hoseok shouts, caching up with him. He grabs onto the younger’s arm, pulling him gently towards himself. “Kihyun-ah, what’s wrong?”

“I have to go home,” Kihyun murmurs, shaking his head. “I have to find it. That’s the only way it’ll stop.”

“What’ll stop?” Hoseok asks. “What do you have to find?” Kihyun merely continues to shake his head at the older, refusing to explain himself. Hoseok sighs, his heart softening at the frazzled sight of the younger. It takes him back to how he was the last time Hoseok had to stay the night at his place. “Come on, I’ll buy you a coffee,” he tells Kihyun, leading him away. 

“But I—“

“If you go home like this now,” Hoseok argues, “you’ll only wake up Hyunwoo and won’t be able to find whatever it is you’re looking for.” Kihyun stops trying to shake off Hoseok’s grip, pouting at the sense he’s making. 

 

He allows himself to be led away towards a nearby park. Hoseok sits him down on the bench, reluctantly leaving him alone a moment to buy a coffee from the vending machine. He returns quickly and takes a seat beside the younger. Kihyun takes the offered beverage, wobbling where he sits. 

“Kihyunnie,” Hoseok begins, “what’s going on with you? You’ve been totally fine lately, but tonight you start talking to yourself and acting like how you did a few months ago… I’m really worried about you.” Kihyun doesn’t answer the question, only stares silently at his feet. “If you don’t want to tell me, that’s fine,” the older adds, “just don’t shoulder the burden all by yourself. Try telling Hyunwoo about it. He may be able to help more than you think.”

“I can’t tell Hyunwoo,” Kihyun murmurs, shaking his head. “If I do, he’ll…”

“He’ll what?” Hoseok prods. Kihyun shakes his head, earning an exasperated sigh from Hoseok. “Hyunwoo isn’t the type to leave someone in need. If you tell him what’s going on with you, I’m sure he’ll only stay and help you through it.” Kihyun opens his mouth to speak, Hoseok’s true words resonating with him, but he suddenly squeezes his lips shut and shakes his head again.

“I can’t,” he repeats, his voice a mere whisper. “If I tell him, he’ll realize just how awful of a person I am. He’ll realize how much better he can do. He’d leave me in an instant.” Hoseok’s eyes widen at this, absolutely hating how fragile the younger seems. This isn’t the Kihyun he knows.

“Kihyun-ah,” Hoseok says, grasping the younger’s hand tightly. “Kihyun-ah, look at me.” Kihyun’s eyes slowly, seemingly unwillingly, travel up from the ground to look into the older’s earnest face. “You’re not a bad person. In fact, you’re one of the best people I know. You’re one of my best friends. I don’t know what’s gotten into you, why you’re talking like this, but it has to stop. Not just for the sake of your relationship, but for your own health.”

Kihyun watches the older speak, the sincerity shining in his eyes having a sobering effect on him. He glances down at his feet again in thought, processing what his friend is telling him. He has to admit that Hoseok is right. It wouldn’t be like Hyunwoo to leave Kihyun when he needs support.

“What a foolish way to look at it,” the voice whispers to him. “Of course Hyunwoo would leave you when he realizes how crazy you are, how useless you are. Why would he stay with someone who could never be loved, someone who could never love him in return?”

At this, tears begin to flow freely down Kihyun’s cheeks. They come so fast, brought on by what the voice has said, that Kihyun has no chance to fight them. He’s vaguely aware of Hoseok’s grip on his hand tightening, the older’s voice calling for his attention once more. However, he doesn’t respond to anything. He can’t. His despair fills him to the brim and overflows through watery eyes. All he can do is fall against Hoseok, crying his eyes out.

He’s suddenly so tired of everything. If he can’t escape from the voice, then what’s the point of anything? What’s the point of trying to live when he’s got this constant nagging going in his head, insisting that nothing he ever does will make him worthy of having a life?

 

Hoseok is surprised to see the younger cry so suddenly, and even more surprised when Kihyun leans against him for support. He tries to ask what’s wrong, what could’ve possibly brought this on, but it doesn’t seem his friend hears him. He sighs, wrapping protective, consoling arms around Kihyun. He rests his head atop Kihyun’s soft hair, and begins rocking him back and forth.

“It’ll be alright, Kihyunnie,” Hoseok tells him, although he doesn’t know what exactly he’s consoling the younger for. All he knows is that Kihyun needs his support right now. “Everything will be okay.”

 

Neither know for how long they sit like this, Kihyun leaning towards Hoseok and crying into his shirt. It’s at least an hour, though, Hoseok knows, because eventually that new bartender Minhyuk had been lusting over before brings his roommate to him.

“Hoseok-ssi,” he says with a rather green-looking Minhyuk leaning on his shoulders. “Sorry to interrupt, but the bar is closed and this customer said he was with you.” Hoseok nods.

“S-Sorry,” Hoseok says, awkwardly separating from Kihyun. “I didn’t meant to leave you alone for so long.” The stranger shrugs his shoulders as he hands Minhyuk over.

“No worries,” he tells him. “If it got too bad I’d have come and gotten you, but it seemed pretty serious between you two so I let you be.” Kihyun and Hoseok share a hesitant glance that they hold one second too long. Kihyun clears his throat, looking away quickly to wipe at his face. Minhyuk throws a desperate arm around Hoseok’s shoulders, groaning in pain.

“Take me home, hyung,” he murmurs, nuzzling his head into Hoseok’s shoulder. He sighs deeply, turning his gaze towards the other bartender. “I swear I’m usually way more charming than this.” The bartender laughs, running a hand through his hair.

“Don’t worry about it,” he tells him. “Just take care of yourself.” Minhyuk nods in response, offering a sunny smile in thanks.

“Thank you,” Hoseok says, nodding towards his coworker. The young man nods and turns on his heel, walking back towards the bar to finish closing up. “Come on, guys,” he says, turning to his friends, “we’re going home.” He begins to lead the pair away towards his and Minhyuk’s dorm, struggling to keep Minhyuk at pace with him.

“I don’t know about you two,” Minhyuk says, stumbling against Hoseok in an effort to keep in step with him, “but I’m not going to any of my classes tomorrow.” Hoseok chuckles, shaking his head at the younger. He glances around to make sure Kihyun is following, and only sees him walking a few steps behind with a lowered head. He has to fight back another sigh at seeing this, wanting to ask if he’s okay but already knowing the answer. 

 

The trio arrives at Hoseok and Minhyuk’s dorm a short time later, Minhyuk immediately passing out on his own bed upon entering. 

“Do you mind if I take a shower?” Kihyun asks meekly. Hoseok is surprised at the question, it being the first thing the younger had said since the park bench.

“S-Sure,” Hoseok answers. He quickly moves towards his dresser, pulling out a t-shirt and sweat pants. “Here, you can use this.” Kihyun offers a small smile, looking up at the older with shining eyes.

“Thank you, hyung.” Hoseok nods, and moves out of the way to allow the younger into the bathroom. As soon as Kihyun disappears behind the closed door and Hoseok hears him start the shower water, Hoseok heaves a sigh as he drops onto the floor. He runs a hand through his hair, replaying what’s happened that night. 

He finds himself staring at the bathroom door, sending up a silent prayer for Kihyun’s wellbeing.


	7. Chapter 7

Kihyun awakens the next morning in Hoseok’s bed, his head pounding. He groans in pain, looking around. It takes him a moment to remember why he isn’t in his own dorm. He glances down at the floor, spotting Hoseok’s outstretched form, his mouth slightly agape to let out the quiet snore. He looks over to Minhyuk’s bed, where only the older’s head is visible amongst a pile of blankets. Kihyun sighs, relaxing in the bed again. He hears a phone vibrating in the silent room, and looks around to find out whose it is. He realizes it’s his own phone, and reaches over to the bedside table to see who could be trying to contact him. 

His heart sinks at seeing several texts from Hyunwoo, each growing more anxious as they progress. He sighs, mentally chastising himself for not thinking to tell his boyfriend that he was staying the night at their friends’ dorm.

“Selfish,” the voice comments. Kihyun rubs at his eyes, ignoring the comment as he stands from the bed. He steps out into the hall to call Hyunwoo, hoping to not wake the others.

“Kihyun-ah?” Hyunwoo’s voice answers after the first ring, his tone painted with worry.

“Hey, hyung,” Kihyun says quietly, his voice coming out in a croak. He swallows, trying to clear his throat. “Sorry, but I didn’t want to wake you last night coming home, so I just crashed at Hoseok and Minhyuk-hyung’s dorm.” Hyunwoo breathes a sigh of relief on the other end. 

“It’s okay,” he tells the younger, “as long as you’re alright.” He pauses, as if hesitating. “You are alright, aren’t you?” Kihyun pats his lips with his fingers, trying for a chuckle.

“Of course,” he replies. “I mean, I’m hungover, but other than that I’m alright.” 

“Good,” Hyunwoo says. Kihyun smiles at his concern, despite knowing that he can’t actually see it. A comfortable silence stretches between the two. Kihyun glances at the door behind him, and finds his mind drifting back to the adorable sight of Hoseok sleeping on the floor. His heart swells with gratitude for all that Hoseok has done for him without prompting throughout this ordeal. “Do you want to meet up for lunch?” Hyunwoo suddenly asks, breaking Kihyun’s train of thought. “I’ve got a break in my classes.” 

“Sorry, hyung,” Kihyun laughs, feeling guilty for some reason. “I’m in no shape to be going anywhere now. I’ll see you back at home, though, okay? I’ll make us dinner tonight.”

“I thought we were going out tonight?” Hyunwoo asks confusedly. “You know, for our anniversary and all.” Kihyun sucks in a breath, shutting his eyes tight in embarrassment at having forgotten.

“That’s right,” he says quickly. “Sorry, my memory is still a bit fuzzy because of last night.” There’s another pause from Hyunwoo, this one a bit less comfortable than the first.

“It’s okay,” Hyunwoo slowly says. “Be sure to be ready by seven o’clock.”

“Sure thing,” Kihyun nods, “I can’t wait.” He hears a loud groan come from the other side of the door, and he has to hold back a chuckle. “I’ve got to go. I’ll see you tonight.” Hyunwoo hums, sounding pleased.

“I’ll see you then, Kihyun-ah,” he says, pausing a moment before saying, “I love you.” Kihyun hums in reply, hanging up the call before reentering the dorm. 

He can’t help but laugh at what he sees, a scowling Minhyuk hanging halfly off his bed, his legs tangled up in his blankets. Hoseok gives a visible jolt at the sound, eyes opening slowly and looking around his dorm. Kihyun’s eyes linger on Hoseok a moment too long, smiling at how cute he is as he dazedly tries to get his bearings.

“Kihyun-ah,” Minhyuk calls weakly. “Quick, I need pancakes.” Kihyun sighs, shaking his head.

“Come on, hyung,” he says, moving to pull Minhyuk out of his predicament. “Get dressed. We’ll go find some breakfast.” Minhyuk nods, already moving to get up from his mess of a bed. Kihyun turns to Hoseok. “Coming?” Hoseok nods, making as if to stand. He rubs at his face, doing to his best to wake up quickly. As Minhyuk disappears into the bathroom, Kihyun nears the older.

“Thank you for letting me use your bed,” he says softly, “and also for being there for me last night.” He tries for a nonchalant laugh as he adds, “I don’t know what came over me.”

“Probably all the beers you had,” Hoseok jokes, flashing the younger a grin. Kihyun smiles weakly at the offered excuse. They both know he isn’t one of the weepy drunks, but it’s sweet of Hoseok to act so casually about it. He turns, pressing his hand against his neck as he looks for his outfit from last night. He’d wear something of Hoseok’s, but anything of the older’s would be too big to wear out in public. It isn’t as if they’re bad clothes, they just sort of swallow the younger up in a sea of cloth. “Kihyunnie,” Hoseok says, the sincerity in his voice causing Kihyun to glance back at him, “if you ever need to talk about anything, I want you to know you can come to me.”

“I know, hyung,” Kihyun murmurs. He feels embarrassed at having lost it in front of the older the previous night. He hasn’t even cried in front of Hyunwoo before. He doesn’t like seeming weak in front of others. Guilt enters him at the memory of allowing anyone other than Hyunwoo see him like that, feeling as if he betrayed Hyunwoo last night by breaking down in front of Hoseok, even though it didn’t mean anything. It was a complete situational thing. If Hyunwoo had been there, he’d have lost it in front of his boyfriend. He knows that’s the case.

“If that’s so,” the voice murmurs, “then why do you feel like this?”

Kihyun’s thoughts fall silent, halted by the one good question the voice has asked since entering his life.

 

After breakfast, Kihyun spends the rest of the day in his own dorm, looking everywhere he could possibly think of for his lost rock. He doesn’t exactly relish the thought of having to go out again without it, but thinks that it won’t be too bad if he has to. Luckily, the voice is pretty quiet that day compared to how it used to be. He has a feeling this is somehow because of his breakdown in front of Hoseok the night before, but he doesn’t know why or how. 

Besides, he couldn’t bring himself to cancel on Hyunwoo, not when the dinner is for their anniversary. He felt bad enough forgetting about their plans like he did before.

 

Kihyun sighs, sitting on his messed-up bed. He looks around at the mess he’s made, knowing he needs to clean it up before Hyunwoo returns. He doesn’t know what time the older will be back, but it has to be before seven. He also has to be ready by seven. The young man glances over at his alarm clock, shaking his head at seeing that it’s already five-thirty. He still has to shower the alcoholic stench off himself from the day before and pick out a decent outfit for their date. He has no more time to look for that rock.

He stands, resolving to go to the lake to try and find another one tomorrow. He then sets upon cleaning the dorm as quick as he can, wanting very much to avoid dancing around giving the older an explanation for the mess. 

 

Kihyun manages to get everything cleaned up, including himself, before Hyunwoo returns. He looks to the clock, wondering where the older could be. It’s already ten minutes to seven, and he hadn’t even heard from his boyfriend since that morning.

Suddenly someone knocks on the door, causing Kihyun to confusedly move towards it. Who would be knocking on his door? Usually Hoseok and Minhyuk just walked in on their own whenever they came to visit. Kihyun opens the door, a laugh coming to him at seeing who’s on the other side.

“Hey, Kihyunnie,” Hyunwoo greets, a gentle smile overtaking his face. He’s dressed in a nice dress shirt and slacks, a sports jacket bulging due to his biceps.

“Hyung,” Kihyun says, stepping forward. He presses himself against the older, having not realized how much he’d missed him until now. Hyunwoo wraps his arms around the younger, holding him close. He looks up into his boyfriend’s eyes, and leans up on his tiptoes to plant a soft kiss against his plump lips. He then breaks away, smirking at the older. “Did you get ready somewhere else?”

“I… I wanted to come pick you up,” Hyunwoo murmurs as a blush begins to creep up his cheeks. “You know, like an actual date.” Kihyun chuckles, sucking in an appreciative breath through his teeth as he takes in his appearance. He stares a bit too long at the older, making him squirm slightly. Kihyun notices this and laughs again, turning to get his phone and keys.

“Let’s go,” he says. Hyunwoo nods silently, offering an arm towards the younger. Kihyun takes it with an unwavering smile and closes the door behind him. 

“Not as if this changes anything,” the voice whispers to him. Upon hearing this, Kihyun’s smile grows strained. He tightens his grip on Hyunwoo’s arm as it continues. “Just because you clean up and smile nice and pretty doesn’t hide how worthless you are, Kihyun-ah. You may fool Hyunwoo, but I know the truth.”

“Kihyun?” Hyunwoo asks, glancing over at the older. It isn’t as if Kihyun’s tight grip on his arm hurts him, but the sudden shift in his mood worries Hyunwoo. Kihyun glances up at his boyfriend, his pupils shaking slightly.

“Sorry,” he says, “I’m okay.” He releases a pent-up breath slowly, as if letting go of something. “Come on, let’s go. I’m starving.”

Hyunwoo hums in agreement, his gaze hovering on Kihyun a moment longer. He knows something is wrong, but if Kihyun isn’t willing to talk about it, then he’s helpless to help, and that’s a feeling he absolutely hates.


	8. Chapter 8

Hyunwoo and Kihyun arrive at a nice little restaurant a bit further from campus than they usually go. Kihyun is surprised to find out Hyunwoo has gone so far as to make a reservation at this new place, the older pausing at the hostess podium to give the necessary information. Usually, Kihyun is the one to be in charge of such planned-out dates. Not that Hyunwoo is careless when he’s in charge of date night, he just doesn’t think to make reservations and such.

The older moves to pull out Kihyun’s chair, earning a chuckle from him. 

“Overcompensating,” the voice comments. “He’s doing all this to try and sway you. He knows you don’t really love him. If you did, you wouldn’t be hiding so much from him. You’d have told him about me long ago. But, you know that he’d only leave you if you did.”

“Do you like it here, Kihyun-ah?” Hyunwoo asks, his gentle voice breaking Kihyun away from the voice. Kihyun throws on a wide, dimpled smile, ignoring the voice as best he can. 

“I love it,” he answers. Hyunwoo visibly breathes a sigh of life, causing Kihyun to chuckle once more. The two share a smile, and then turn their attentions towards the menus.

 

The dinner goes on without a hitch. The voice behaves itself, not even making any snide comments about Hyunwoo’s adorable, nervous blushing. Kihyun loses himself in the night, managing to forget for a moment his perpetual inner turmoil.

 

“So, Kihyunnie,” Hyunwoo begins, leaning forward on the table. Kihyun giggles soundlessly at his expression, the beautifully benevolent grin making his heart feel light and fuzzy.

“Yes, hyung?”

“I know we agreed on not doing gifts tonight,” he continues, the statement earning a curious raise of the younger’s brow, “but I’ve noticed lately that you carry around a rock. I don’t know why, and you don’t have to explain if you don’t want to, but I thought that maybe you’d like for it to be easier to have with you.” His hands suddenly come up from underneath the table, holding a small cloth drawstring bag. 

As he speaks, explaining his idea, Kihyun’s delighted smile falls to a confused half-frown. When he brings out the bag and places it on the table, the younger’s eyes dart to it and then back up to his boyfriend’s face, an almost accusatory light within them. 

“You…” Kihyun breathes out anxiously. “Did you take my rock without telling me?” He snatches up the bag and opens it, dropping its contents into the palm of his hand. His beloved rock is now not just a rock, but a rock with leather wrapped around it and securing it to a thicker strip of leather. It’s obviously meant to be a bracelet, a thoughtful gift if Kihyun has ever seen one. Kihyun glances back up at Hyunwoo, for some reason panicking at the change. At least he knows now where it’s been all this time, he supposes. But, will it still work like this? 

“I’m sorry, Kihyunnie,” Hyunwoo says immediately upon seeing his reaction to the gift. “I just thought you’d like it if—“

“I’m not mad, hyung,” Kihyun tells him, holding up a silencing hand. He tries for a smile, despite the furious whisperings in his ear. “In fact, I love it. It was very thoughtful of you.”

“Don’t lie to him like that,” the voice screams at him. “He took your one safeguard, the only thing that’s helped you, and changed it. He’s marred it, made it useless. It’s just another rock now. Him taking it and morphing it into this has ruined it forever.” Kihyun stares hard at the rock, as if silently willing it to work like it used to. He wants so desperately for the voice to be wrong. 

“You sure you like it?” Hyunwoo asks hesitantly. There’s something in the younger’s eyes that makes the older question whether or not he should believe him. His pupils seem a bit more dilated than they should be, and he keeps on glancing at the air all around Hyunwoo, as if following an invisible fly. Kihyun gives him a tight grin, nodding his response. He grips the bracelet with white knuckles, as if it’s a lifeline of some sort.

“Positive,” Kihyun answers. In an attempt to prove himself, and to see if the rock will work if the jewelry is actually worn, he moves to put the bracelet on. He has trouble, though, his fingers shaking slightly. Hyunwoo reaches across the small table and helps him, tying it around the younger’s wrist with gentle fingers. Kihyun smiles at him gratefully, holding up his wrist victoriously as Hyunwoo sits back down. “See? It’s perfect.”

“Perfectly terribly, you mean,” the voice tells him, causing his heart to sink. It’s right. The rock won’t work anymore because Hyunwoo’s tampered with it. It isn’t his fault, of course, he didn’t know. Kihyun never told him. He wishes he had, though. He wouldn’t be in this mess if he had.

Hyunwoo’s anxious gaze remains on the younger until the server comes by with the check. He doesn’t quite believe Kihyun still. He wishes he did. He wishes he could just accept whatever Kihyun says and be done with it, like he used to be able to. He doesn’t know why he can’t just move on from this.

 

The two walk back home after paying, Kihyun trying to lighten the mood but failing miserably. All Hyunwoo can think about is his reaction to the bracelet. The more he thinks about it, the more he thinks that it was a horrible idea. He can tell by the way Kihyun continuously pulls at it that he doesn’t really like it as much as he wants Hyunwoo to believe, which only serves to aggravate the older into a silent stupor. 

Kihyun wishes so badly he could ignore the voice, that the bracelet that Hyunwoo had been so thoughtful and perceptive to think of could help him like the rock used to. However, the entire walk home the voice nags in his ear, listing all the ways Kihyun has ruined the evening. It begins in the morning of that day, citing the instance when he forgot all about the dinner in the first place. It goes through everything Kihyun has done throughout the day, causing him to feel that this awful mood between him and his boyfriend was always inevitable because of him.

 

“You don’t have to wear it, Kihyunnie,” Hyunwoo tells Kihyun, sitting down on his own bed. Kihyun sighs, rubbing circles around his temples. The walk home had been incredibly silent as far as Hyunwoo is concerned, though he couldn’t hear the voice that had given Kihyun a migraine from its constant negativity.

“I want to, hyung,” Kihyun argues through clenched teeth. “Now come on, it’s late. We should go to sleep.” He moves to turn off the light, but pauses at Hyunwoo’s shaking head.

“I never want you to feel like you have to do anything for me,” Hyunwoo continues. “Please, take off the bracelet if you don’t like it. I can fix it so that it’s just a regular rock again.”

“No,” Kihyun says aggravatedly. “I like it as a bracelet. I will wear it as a bracelet. Now drop this, please.” He heaves a sigh, and attempts to turn off the light again.

“Why do I get the feeling you’re lying to me?” Hyunwoo asks. Kihyun groans, rubbing at his eyes tiredly.

“Because you are lying to him,” the voice chuckles. “Finally, the dolt has figured it out. But, you’re lying to him about a lot more than just a simple bracelet, aren’t you Kihyunnie? Go on, tell him. Break his heart on tonight of all nights. You don’t love him. You never did. How could anyone like you ever love someone like him?”

“Shut up,” Kihyun mumbles, glaring at the lamp. Hyunwoo frowns confusedly, taken aback by the vehement tone. He’d never heard Kihyun speak to anyone like that before.

“What?” he asks. Kihyun shakes his head, squeezing his eyes shut tightly.

“Nothing, hyung,” Kihyun replies. “I didn’t mean you.”

“Then who did you mean?” Hyunwoo demands. “We’re the only two in here, Kihyun-ah, and I don’t think you were telling yourself to shut up...”

“I said it was nothing,” Kihyun insists, panic entering his mind. He hadn’t meant to actually say it, only think it. God, he’s too exhausted from staying out so late the night before to be having this conversation with the older now.

“You’re lying,” Hyunwoo says. “Kihyun, don’t you trust me? Why are you trying to hide something from me?” Kihyun bites his tongue, refusing to answer his questions. 

Hyunwoo continues to stare at him, silently demanding an answer. Neither know how long they sit there, neither uttering a syllable. Finally, Hyunwoo stands with a sigh, shaking his head at the younger.

“I’m going for a walk,” he tells him. “I’ve got to clear my head.” Without waiting for a response, he then grabs his keys and leaves. 

 

Kihyun doesn’t move, only glares at the bracelet on his wrist. His aggravation grows into a burning anger. Why couldn’t he just have a simple anniversary date with his boyfriend? Why did the voice always have to ruin everything for him? Why couldn’t he just be happy, if at least for a single night?

Burning tears begin to flow from his eyes. He takes off the bracelet, screaming as he throws it at the door. The small outburst alleviates him of a tidbit of his rage at his horrible life. He shakes his head at himself, pressing the heels of his hands against his eyes as he lies down. 

Why did he always have to ruin everything with Hyunwoo without even trying?


	9. Chapter 9

“Hyung,” Minhyuk says, readjusting his sitting position slightly for more comfort, “if you ate a vegetable half as many times as you eat ramyeon, you'd be the healthiest human alive.” Hoseok glances up from his bowl of noodles, some hanging out of his mouth as he's paused mid-slurp. 

“I can't help it,” Hoseok defends after slurping up the rest. “Ramyeon is my reason for living. It's so delicious.” He shoves another clump into his mouth, relishing in the taste. “You live to eat, and I live to eat ramyeon. It's a great system we have.” Minhyuk chuckles at the flimsy argument, shaking his head. He then returns his attention to the essay he's been needing to work on all night, reminding himself if he doesn't finish he might as well just drop the class to keep the bad grade off his transcript. 

A sudden knock at the door causes both their heads to snap up. They glance at each other confusedly, questioning just who would be out this late at night in the rain that had started up only a bit earlier, and Minhyuk stands to answer it. He opens it a crack cautiously, but then gaps and opens it all the way. Hyunwoo stands outside, his hair damp and sticking to his head. 

“Hyunwoo-ya?” Hoseok says surprisedly, standing immediately from his seat. Minhyuk pulls him into the dorm, and disappears into the bathroom for only a moment before returning with a towel.

“Sorry guys,” Hyunwoo mumbles, taking the towel with a grateful smile. “I just… I was walking around and all of a sudden I’m here. I didn't even realize until I was knocking on your door.” 

“Hyung,” Minhyuk begins, “weren't you and Kihyun-ah supposed to be going out tonight?” Hyunwoo nods, his gaze falling to stare at his feet. Minhyuk and Hoseok share a worried glance as the younger gently guides Hyunwoo towards a seat. 

“It went great,” Hyunwoo says softly, “until the end. I gave him a bracelet that I could tell he didn't like, but he insisted on wearing it. I tried telling him to not feel pressured into liking it, but he just kept lying and lying to me.” He paused, shaking his head. “It's stupid, I know. I should've just let it be. But, I’ve had this nagging feeling lately that he's been lying to me, though I couldn't tell you what about. Then this morning when I called him, he had totally forgotten about our date. I don't know, I was just on edge all night, and then he lies to me and insists he's telling the truth even though he obviously isn't.”

“Kihyun-ah was pretty hungover this morning,” Hoseok finds himself saying, in an effort to defend the younger. Minhyuk shoots him a warning glare, and he can only shrug in response. He hadn't meant to say it, it just came out… “I mean,” he continues, trying to salvage his statement, “he was so drunk last night that he kind of broke down, so—“

“He what?” Hyunwoo asks, his gaze flicking up to Hoseok. “He didn't tell me about that…”

“I've never known Kihyun-ah to cry,” Minhyuk says with a confused frown. “I've never even seen him cry at a movie, TV show, anything.” Hoseok only shrugs again, getting the sense that he shouldn't have said that. The light in Hyunwoo's eyes shifts to suspicion, making Hoseok regret his statement even more.

“I-I,” he tries to say, nervous guilt bringing out his stutter. He clamps his lips shut, knowing a stutter would only make him seem even more suspicious, though he has no idea of what. It isn't as if anything happened between him and Kihyun on that park bench. 

“What did he break down about?” Minhyuk asks, a seemingly reasonable question. Hoseok shakes his head helplessly. 

“He d-didn't explain,” Hoseok answers, “b-b-but I guess it could be about what was bothering him a while ago. You know, the thing about low self-esteem…?” Hoseok gets the sense that he's only digging a deeper hole for himself the more he speaks, the questioning light in Hyunwoo's eyes never leaving. 

“He never said that's what was bothering him,” Hyunwoo mumbles, his eyes falling to the floor. He rubs his eyes tiredly, murmuring, “I need a beer. Nothing's happened like it was supposed to tonight.” Minhyuk silently nods, shooting Hoseok a second glare as he goes to retrieve a beer from the kitchen. 

“I'm sorry this happened, Hyunwoo-ya,” Hoseok says, trying to be supportive. Hyunwoo hums in acknowledgment, not looking up until Minhyuk returns. 

“Here, hyung,” he murmurs. “If you don't feel like going back tonight, you're more than welcome to stay here.”

“Thanks, Minhyukkie,” he says softly. Hoseok bites the inside of his cheek nervously. Usually now he'd be leaving to stay the night over at Kihyun’s dorm, but for some reason he feels anxious suggesting that. As if hearing his thoughts, Hyunwoo looks up at him. “If it really is something like what you said,” he sighs as he opens the bottle, “then I don’t want Kihyun to be alone. He shouldn’t be on his own when going through something like that.” He pauses before asking finally, “Would you mind going and seeing if he’s okay, and staying with him tonight?”

“Um,” Hoseok mumbles surprisedly, “sure, if you really want me to.” Hyunwoo nods, which Hoseok does as well. “Alright,” he says, “I guess I’ll head over now, then. Feel free to use my bed, Hyunwoo-ya.” He then grabs his keys, phone, and wallet, a horribly ominous feeling filling him. He can’t help but wonder if this is some sort of trap, or some test that he’s failing by trying to be a helpful friend. Of course, it isn’t in Hyunwoo’s nature to test people like that. He’s much too kind and soft-hearted to be that manipulative. Hoseok pats the older supportively on the shoulder and pats Minhyuk on the back before leaving, heaving a sigh as he closes the door behind him.

“Well, hyung,” Minhyuk says, turning his attention back to Hyunwoo, “do you want to talk about what happened? I’m all ears if you do.” He sits down beside the older, resting a consoling hand on his knee.

“Minhyukkie,” Hyunwoo sighs, his voice coming out much fainter than normal, “I just don’t know what to do anymore.” He leans forward, setting the beer down carefully before resting his face in his hands. “If he feels pressured to wear a simple bracelet, did he even want to move in with me in the first place? Did he feel like he had to say yes to me when I asked him months ago? Could that be why he lashes out so much? And now, he’s telling Hoseok thins that I have no idea about… Does Kihyun even want to be with me?”

“Hyunwoo,” Minhyuk says in a hard voice, absolutely loathing seeing the older like this, “you can’t blame yourself for whatever Kihyun is going through. He wouldn’t want you to. He’ll tell you about what he’s going through when he’s ready, you’ve got to believe that.”

“I don’t know what to believe as far as Kihyun is concerned anymore,” Hyunwoo admits while shaking his head. “This feeling that he’s lying to me… I’ve had it for a long time. I’ve always just kind of ignored it, though, because I thought I was just being paranoid. But now, after tonight, I’m not so sure.”

“Kihyun loves you,” Minhyuk insists, “he wouldn’t lie to you for so long. You don’t do that to someone you love.” Hyunwoo glances up over at the younger, his eyes shining clearly at him.

“And if it’s someone you don’t love?”

The question shocks Minhyuk into silence. Sure, it isn’t the first time Hyunwoo has questioned whether or not Kihyun truly loves him, but it’s the first time he’s said it with such clarity. Typically, it takes four or so beers for the older to start talking like that, his eyes always clouded over when he reaches such a point. However, tonight, Minhyuk can tell he’s barely had a sip of alcohol.

Hyunwoo takes Minhyuk’s silence as all the confirmation he needs. He bends down, retrieving his beer, and presses the bottle to his lips, taking a long gulp. He swallows, the liquid feeling like a rock in his throat forcing its way down.


	10. Chapter 10

“Kihyun-ah?” Hoseok calls, knocking once more on the door. This’ll be the third time he’s tried to gain entrance. He worries about the younger, it never having taken this long before to get a response when visiting. “Kihyunnie, please let me in.”

“No, hyung,” a faint voice suddenly says on the other side. Hoseok sighs gratefully, pressing a hand against the door absentmindedly. Judging by the volume of Kihyun’s voice, he isn’t too far away from the door.

“I know you and Hyunwoo-ya fought,” Hoseok tells him. “Are you okay?”

“Please, just go away,” Kihyun replies, his voice a mere whisper through the wood. He sounds incredibly fragile and it takes Hoseok back to the last fight the couple had. He remembers how the younger had been that night, how on-edge he was. His heart tugs painfully at the thought of Kihyun in that kind of distress again, and he’s filled with the overwhelming urge to kick down the door.

“I’m not leaving you alone tonight, Kihyunnie,” Hoseok tells him stubbornly. “I’ll wait outside this door all night if I have to.”

There’s a long pause, it taking so long for Kihyun to respond that Hoseok thinks Kihyun might just let him do such a thing. It isn’t as if he isn’t willing to do it. On the contrary, if it’s what he has to do to make sure Kihyun doesn’t spend tonight alone, he’s more than happy to do it. He would just prefer to be in the much-more-comfortable dorm.

Eventually, Kihyun opens the door. His face is streaked with tears. It’s obvious he’s been crying, his eyes red and puffy. Hoseok smiles sympathetically, stepping into the dorm and wrapping his arms around the younger. Kihyun lets out a grateful cry, having not realized until then how much he needed such a warm, understanding hug that night, and desperately wraps his arms around the older’s waist. Hoseok pulls away, wiping away a stray tear on Kihyun’s cheek instinctively.

“It’ll be okay, Kihyunnie,” Hoseok tells him gently, speaking almost automatically. Kihyun stares up at the older a moment, his pupils seeming to shake anxiously. He opens his mouth to say something, but stops himself. He merely nuzzles his head against the older’s chest like a lost kitten. 

Hoseok lifts his foot to kick the door closed, and then leads Kihyun over to the nearest bed silently. He rubs small circles on the younger’s back comfortingly, wanting so badly to say something but not really knowing what to say. Kihyun doesn’t seem to mind, though. 

 

Judging by Kihyun’s slowed breathing, Hoseok realizes that Kihyun has fallen asleep in his arms after a while. He can’t deny his happiness at realizing this, but he hates himself for it nonetheless. He feels incredibly guilty for being here, trying very hard to comfort his friend through this hard time without saying something that could accidentally be the breaking point in his relationship with Hyunwoo. Luckily the whole talking aspect of it hasn’t proven to be an issue, but he still can’t help but feel awkward to be in this situation again. 

Especially since his crush on Kihyun only ever seems to flourish whenever Hyunwoo and Kihyun argue, which is another thing Hoseok feels incredibly guilty over. 

He glances down, smiling at Kihyun’s expressionless face. Hoseok sighs, gently readjusting his hold on the younger and picking him up. He’s surprised by how light he is in his arms, and has to resist the urge to hold him even closer. He gulps at the intimate impulse, and moves quickly to set Kihyun down in his own bed. 

He tucks in the younger, brushing his bangs out of his face before retreating. Kihyun stirs at the touch, seemingly trying to move closer to the older’s hand. Hoseok quickly backs away, surprised at the movement. His heartbeat quickens at the thought of Kihyun trying to remain close to him while asleep, causing him to mentally chastise himself over it.

“Thank you, hyung,” Kihyun murmurs, a small smile spreading across his face. Hoseok smiles widely, the sight of the younger’s dimples alone enough to make him begin to fidget nervously. He doesn’t know if Kihyun thinks he’s talking to him or Hyunwoo, but he doesn’t really care. The gentle expression is honestly the best thing he’s seen all day, no matter the cause of it. Though, he has to admit, it’d be nice if it’s because of him.

Hoseok sighs at himself, shaking his head as he turns away to go to bed. He lies down and scoots underneath the blankets after turning off the lights, facing the direction of Kihyun’s sleeping form. He falls asleep soon after, smiling softly.

 

“Hyung,” Minhyuk says sleepily, moving to sit up. He’s been curled up in Hyunwoo’s lap for a few hours now, just trying to be the silent support that the older seems to need. Hyunwoo slowly looks down at the younger, his eyes hazy from the beers he’s drunken. “We should probably go to sleep. It’s really late.”

“You go on,” Hyunwoo mumbles, moving to picking up the beer bottles scattered at his feet. “I’ll just stay up a bit longer.”

“You need to sleep,” Minhyuk insists. He separates himself from Hyunwoo and assists in cleaning up, carrying four bottles to the kitchen to throw them away. 

“Minhyuk-ah,” Hyunwoo says hesitantly, “I think I’m going to move out…” Minhyuk pauses mid-step, whirling around to face the older surprisedly. 

“You what?”

“I know you probably think I’m overreacting,” Hyunwoo begins to explain, “but I was actually playing around with the idea back when all this first happened. I didn’t say anything though, because I thought Kihyun needed my help to get through whatever it was that was wrong with him. But now, I think that Hoseok would be of better help to him.”

“If this is about Kihyun breaking down in front of Hoseok—“

“Kind of,” Hyunwoo relents, “but not how you think. Him telling me that made me realize that Kihyun maybe doesn’t trust me as much as I thought he did. He’s never cried in front of me, Minhyukkie. He never mentioned he was lashing out because of self-esteem issues months ago. He never even tried to excuse it to me, just told me that it was over and he was sorry.” Hyunwoo heaves a tired sigh, shaking his head at the situation. Minhyuk watches him rub his eyes, his heart aching at how beat-down he suddenly seems.

“It’s just something I need to do,” Hyunwoo finishes. “Maybe if I move out, Kihyun won’t feel so pressured all the time. Maybe he’ll start acting like himself again…” Minhyuk chews on his bottom lip thoughtfully, trying to choose the right words.

“Well hyung,” Minhyuk says finally, “if it’s something you need to do, then do it. I’ll talk to Hoseok, maybe you two could just switch rooms for a while. That way you don’t have to try finding somewhere to live close to school this far into the year.” Hyunwoo smiles gratefully at Minhyuk, stepping forward to hug him. Minhyuk can’t help but be surprised at the gesture, not really knowing Hyunwoo to be a hugger all these years.

“Thank you, Minhyukkie,” Hyunwoo whispers to him. “I’m going to think about it some more, just to be sure it’s the right thing.” Minhyuk nods, noting confusedly his quickened heartrate at the sudden physical contact. Hyunwoo pulls away, and asks if it’s okay if he takes a shower. Minhyuk nods again, and watches as he disappears into the bathroom. 

Minhyuk finishes cleaning up and takes out a book he’s been needing to read for class, trying to clear his head. A lot has happened tonight. He demands his racing heart to revert to a normal pace, but it refuses. It proves to be just as stubborn as his eyes, which flicker over to the bathroom door periodically instead of focusing on the book in his hands. He watches as Hyunwoo exits the bathroom after a while confusedly, realizing the blush that’s creeping up his own cheeks at seeing the older shirtless. Which is completely ridiculous, because he’s seen Hyunwoo shirtless plenty of times in the past.

The younger sighs, shaking his head at himself as he closes his book. He tells the other he’s going to sleep, and turns on his side away from Hyunwoo. Just what has gotten into him tonight?


	11. Chapter 11

“Wow,” Hoseok finally says, unsure of how else to react. Minhyuk sits across from him, leaning forward on the table expectantly. At his lackluster remark, the younger sits back disappointedly. 

The two sit in a café not too far from campus, staring at each other questioningly. They had decided it best to meet up somewhere other than their dorm, wishing not to force Hyunwoo out before he was ready to leave. However, with it being a Saturday, it left them with having to go out somewhere to meet.

“That’s it?” Minhyuk demands. “I just told you that Hyunwoo is moving out, and that’s all you can say?!” Hoseok can only shrug, guilt and sorrow silencing him. The thought of getting to spend more time with Kihyun excites him to no end, but the fact that it’s all thanks to Kihyun’s crumbling relationship puts a definite damper on his mood.

“Does Kihyunnie know?” Hoseok asks, worried about just how the younger would take such news. He wants to be there for him when Hyunwoo breaks the news for support, but knows that’s probably asking too much. 

“Hyunwoo said he needed more time to think about it,” Minhyuk answers after taking a sip of coffee, hesitant to ask this next question. “So, how do you feel about this?” Hoseok gulps. He’s never been able to lie to Minhyuk, but he can’t very well dump his unrequited love problems on the younger when he’s already dealing with the secondhand drama of their friends’ relationship. 

“I c-c-can understand where he’s coming from,” Hoseok says carefully, mentally checking every word that slips through his lips at least three times, “but honestly I’m n-not too worried about it. Mainly I’m just worried about Kihyun-ah right now.” Minhyuk squints his eyes suspiciously, leaning forward once more to get a better read of his hyung as he speaks.

“I ask because I don’t even know how I feel about it,” Minhyuk tells him. He pauses before adding, “Last night was weird, hyung. I got really nervous around Hyunwoo-ya and couldn’t stop staring at him after he got out of the shower… He hugged me and I got really excited—not like that hyung!” Minhyuk jokingly shouts, throwing a napkin at the older as he shoots Minhyuk a suggestive eyebrow wiggle. They share a laugh, something they both needed after having dealt with their friends’ couple troubles so suddenly last night.

“I have noticed you and Hyunwoo-ya have always seemed a bit close, especially lately,” Hoseok admits. “I never thought anything about it, though.”

“I’ve noticed you and Kihyun-ah getting really close through all this,” Minhyuk says, “but I never questioned it…” His gaze remains on the older hesitantly as he takes another sip of coffee, as if wanting to say something but not quite sure if he should. “Hyung,” he says at last, “do you like Kihyun-ah?” 

Hoseok is silent, knowing he can’t lie to Minhyuk about this. If he can’t even tell a fib about eating the last pack of cookies in the dorm, he definitely couldn’t handle lying about his romantic feelings towards a mutual friend. Minhyuk nods, understanding the silence.

“I thought you were over that a long time ago,” Minhyuk comments curiously. “You haven’t mentioned it in so long.”

“I thought so, too,” Hoseok admits. “But, I guess I was wrong.” Minhyuk sighs after a moment, leaning back in his chair again. He stares thoughtfully at his coffee, drawing a heart in the condensation dripping on the cup.

“I wonder if that’s what’s happening with me,” he mumbles. Hoseok’s eyes widen in surprise at the statement, partly because it’s so unexpected and partly because he thinks Minhyuk means he’s developing a crush on Kihyun, too. Minhyuk glances up, and chuckles softly at Hoseok’s expression. “No, hyung. I mean with Hyunwoo.” Hoseok makes a wide “Ah” sound, it melting into a laugh at how easily the younger had understood him.

“That’d just be icing on the cake,” Hoseok sighs. “Of course we’d be the ones to get crushes on the friends who aren’t available.”

“That’s just human nature, hyung,” Minhyuk tells him. “We always want what we can’t have.” He pauses, head cocking to the side in thought. “Of course, if things keep going the way they are, we may just be able to have what we want after all.” His pupils suddenly dilate, his irises growing three times their normal size, as he realizes what he’s said. “Of course, that’s not what I really want. I’d hate it if they broke up, you know, because they were so happy for a while…”

“I know what you mean,” Hoseok says agreeingly. “I always feel so guilty whenever Kihyun and Hyunwoo fight, thinking that I somehow caused it just by having a crush on Kihyun.”

“It’s so frustrating,” Minhyuk agrees. “I’ve felt that way with Hyunwoo before, though I never realized why. I guess it’s because a small part of me, at least, has always liked him.”

“We’re hopeless,” Hoseok summarizes, laughing as he downs the rest of his coffee in one gulp. Minhyuk laughs as well, nodding his head.

“That we are, hyung,” he says, finishing up his drink as well. He stands, opening his wallet to leave a tip. “Well, I’d better be going. Hyunwoo-ya should be done speaking with Kihyun by now, and I want to be back at the dorm before he gets back in case he wants to talk.”

“They were talking today?” Hoseok asks. “Kihyunnie didn’t tell me about that.”

“Hyunwoo messaged me about it a little bit before you came in through the door,” Minhyuk shrugs. “Judging from the message, it was pretty random. I think it means Hyunwoo decided whether or not he’s going to keep living with Kihyun.”

“I should be heading back, then,” Hoseok says, quickly standing from his chair. Minhyuk chuckles understandingly.

“One day,” Minhyuk says, throwing an arm around the older’s shoulders, “all this will be sorted out and everyone will be happy.”

“Can’t wait for that day to get here,” Hoseok mumbles, earning an agreeing hum from Minhyuk. They then exit the café, walking with each other as far as they can before it’s time to separate.

 

“Kihyun-ah,” Hyunwoo says, shaking his head. It’s only been ten minutes since they’ve met up and Kihyun has lied many times already. “How can you expect me to believe what you’re saying? I know you’re lying to me, I just don’t know why.”

“You don’t deserve him,” the voice sneers into Kihyun’s ear. “You don’t deserve anyone. Just accept it. Break up with him and walk away. There’s no need to bring him into any of your mess, not when you don’t even feel the same way about him that he does for you.”

“I’m sorry, hyung,” Kihyun whimpers, running his hands across his face tiredly. He’s so tired of it all. All he wants is to live a normal life with someone he loves and who loves him, possibly have a kid someday. But, all that is impossible with this voice. He knows that now. He knows there’s no escaping it. He knows everything is pointless now because of this pariah in his head that seems will haunt him for the rest of his days.

“Just tell me what’s wrong,” Hyunwoo insists, his voice gentle. Kihyun shakes his head, squeezing his eyes shut.

“I can’t,” the younger says. “If I do, you’ll think I’m crazy.” He pauses before adding, “Besides, you don’t deserve to be dragged into my personal chaos…”

“But I want to be,” Hyunwoo tells him. “I want to help you, Kihyunnie. Let me help you. Trust me enough to let me do at least that much.”

“There’s nothing he can do,” the voice says. “There’s nothing anyone can do. The only way to stop all this once and for all is to stop trying to play at life. Only then will you stop being such a burdensome failure.”

Kihyun falls silent, becoming lost in the voice. He realizes that maybe, just maybe, that to really be the answer. Maybe then all this would just stop…

“I’m sorry, Kihyunnie,” Hyunwoo says, breaking the silence that’s followed his last statement, “but I can’t sit around and watch you hate your life. I’ve tried helping you, but you don’t seem to want it. I can’t take all this worry for you anymore… I think… I think I’m going to move out for a while, until you decide whether or not you can really trust me.” He hesitates before adding, “Maybe some time apart will help you realize how you really feel about me, about us.”

Kihyun stares up at him, mouth gaping open in surprise. He can’t believe what he’s hearing. 

“But hyung—“

“I think it’ll do us both some good,” Hyunwoo interrupts, speaking as if he’s trying to convince himself a lot more than Kihyun. “Maybe we just moved too fast, you know? Maybe we shouldn’t have moved in together when we did.” He tries for a smile, but can’t quite manage it, feeling his heart break. “I hope you know I really do love you, Kihyunnie, and that’s partly why I’m doing this. I think it’ll help you not to have me breathing down your neck all the time.”

Kihyun shakes his head adamantly, trying to tell the older just how wrong he is, but the words don’t quite come out.

“Don’t you think you’ve lied to him enough for one day?” the voice asks, its tone almost serene.

“I’ll come by to get my things some time tomorrow,” Hyunwoo tells him. “Minhyuk said that I could just use Hoseok’s bed at their place if Hoseok takes my place. That seems like a reasonable enough switch. At least you won’t be by yourself if we do it that way…” 

“Hyung, please…” Kihyun tries to find something to say, something to stop what’s happening. He doesn’t know just what could help him right now, but he knows it isn’t Hyunwoo leaving him. That can’t possibly be it. Hyunwoo merely tries for another smile, this time succeeding. He bends down, pressing a soft kiss against the top of the younger’s head. 

Kihyun breaks down at the touch, his arms snapping around the older’s waist desperately. He presses his face against the older’s shirt, trying to hide his distressed face as best he can. His throat constricts at the strain of holding back tears, though Kihyun has no idea why he’s holding them back. He wishes he could just cry, show Hyunwoo just how much this is affecting him. However, nothing comes.

Hyunwoo breaks away from the younger, squeezing his arm supportively one last time before turning on his heel and walking away. Kihyun watches him walk away, collapsing onto the bench. A soft breeze begins to blow through the air, rustling the leaves and bushes around the outside dining area. He shakes his head, dropping it onto his arms folded on the table. 

Just what else could he possibly screw up now?


	12. Chapter 12

Hoseok paces outside of the dorm. He’s knocked on the door repeatedly, but there hasn’t been any answer. He takes out his phone, checking to see if Kihyun has tried to contact him. Of course, there’s nothing. 

He sighs, hesitating only a moment longer before calling Kihyun. It’s been an hour since he and Minhyuk left the café, so surely Kihyun and Hyunwoo would be done talking by now.

The phone rings a few more times than it should, in Hoseok’s opinion, but finally someone on the other end picks up.

“Kihyunnie?” Hoseok asks, his heart beating madly in his chest with anxiety.

“He’s moving out, hyung,” Kihyun says in response, his voice breaking as he speaks. Hoseok squeezes his eyes shut at the obvious pain in the younger’s voice, wanting nothing more than to pull him into a comforting embrace. “I’ve ruined everything. Not even Hyunwoo can stand me anymore. I don’t know what to do.”

“Where are you right now?” is all Hoseok can think to say, already moving away from the dorm door.

“I’m at the usual group lunch spot,” Kihyun answers, sniffling. 

“I’m on my way.” Hoseok then hangs up the phone. His vision becomes tunneled, the only thing he’s able to see being the path that’ll lead him to Kihyun.

 

“Hyung,” Minhyuk greets as he approaches, doing his best to sound as somber as possible. Hyunwoo sits outside the door to the dorm that’s now his, staring listlessly at the floor. He glances up at Minhyuk’s voice, his eyes drifting back down to his feet.

“I know I’m doing the right thing, Minhyukkie,” Hyunwoo murmurs, “but it’s just so hard to see him hurting.” Minhyuk smiles sympathetically, and goes to stand beside him. He then slides down against the wall, taking a seat beside the older. 

“If you really believe this is for the best,” Minhyuk tells him as he leans over, resting his head against Hyunwoo’s broad shoulder, “then everything will work out. You’ve always had great judgment, hyung. You care about Kihyun, and wouldn’t do anything to hurt him if it weren’t for his own good. You need to trust yourself a bit more.”

“Thanks, Minhyuk-ah,” Hyunwoo sighs. He tilts his head up towards the ceiling and closes his eyes in thought. “You’ve been such a great friend to Kihyun-ah and me through all this, you and Hoseok.”

“Don’t mention it, hyung,” Minhyuk chuckles, doing his best to ignore the guilt clogging up his throat. 

If he’s such a great friend, then why is he developing a crush on Hyunwoo when he’s so vulnerable? No, he isn’t a good friend. He’s in fact a pretty awful one, in his opinion. Hopefully, though, Hyunwoo won’t figure it out.

 

“Kihyun-ah.”

Hoseok’s sudden voice startles the younger, causing him to jump slightly. Kihyun glances behind himself, surprised to see the older standing over him. Didn’t he just hang up the call? How had Hoseok gotten to him so quickly?

The older sits down beside him, fighting the urge to wrap a consoling arm around the younger’s shoulders. He knows Kihyun wouldn’t think anything of it, but he would. The younger’s eyes seem sunken into their sockets, and the bags under his eyes are much more pronounced than they were that morning. He sits slumped forward on the bench, his shoulders seeming to try and become a sort of shell for the young man to crawl back into. 

 

The two sit at the table for an interminable amount of time. Hoseok has no idea what to say to his heartbroken friend, while Kihyun can’t even bring himself to speak.

“I don’t know what to do now, hyung,” Kihyun finally says. He wipes at his nose, making sure it isn’t dripping. “I thought I had a handle on all this. I thought I’d finally gotten through it, but it all started again, and I’ve pushed Hyunwoo-ya away.”

“Not everything is lost, Kihyunnie,” Hoseok tells him. “I don’t know what it is you’re going through, but if you talk to someone about it I’m sure it could help. Once you get through it, I know Hyunwoo would be more than happy to come back.” Kihyun shakes his head adamantly, and Hoseok wonders if he’s misunderstood him. “I’m not meaning that you need to talk to me about it, per se… Just talk to someone. The school has this one counselor that helped me through some stuff I was going through last year. If you want, I could—“

“I can’t, hyung,” Kihyun interrupts. “I appreciate the offer, but it’s something I have to figure out on my own. I don’t feel right burdening anyone with it.”

“Even though you already are?” the voice whispers, causing Kihyun’s heartbeat to waver for a moment. “You’re more of a burden with each passing day, Kihyun. You know that.” 

Hoseok pauses, feeling a shift in Kihyun’s attention. However, he doesn’t say anything about it. If it’s something to do with whatever’s bothering him, then he wouldn’t say what it is, anyway.

“Alright, Kihyun-ah,” Hoseok sighs, “but the offer stands. If you ever want to talk to an objective party, I’d be more than happy to set up an appointment for you.” Kihyun nods in acknowledgment, his eyes never leaving the table in front of him. Hoseok glances around them, noting the setting sun.

“Come on,” he says, moving to stand. Kihyun glances up at last, curious as to where he’s going. “It’s getting late. Let’s go get some dinner.”

“I’m not really hungry,” Kihyun mumbles, his eyes returning to the table. Hoseok purses his lips, setting a hand on Kihyun’s shoulder.

“You need to eat,” he tells the younger. “My guess is you haven’t eaten all day. Come on, it may make you feel better.”

Kihyun sighs, pausing a moment before finally nodding. Hoseok offers the younger a supportive smile, instinctively throwing an arm around his shoulders as they begin to walk. 

“It’ll be alright, Kihyunnie,” Hoseok tells him in a soft voice. “Everything will work out for the best in the end. I know it.” 

For the first time in two days, Kihyun finds a smile coming to him. He gives the older a grateful, whisper of a smile. 

_Even if Hyunwoo does leave me for good_ , he finds himself thinking, _I know I’ll be okay as long as Hoseok stays by my side…_


	13. Chapter 13

“This place has the best ramyeon near campus,” Hoseok tells the younger, trying for a supportive smile. Kihyun hums in acknowledgment, staring at the table in between him and his friend.

“Why even bother?” the voice asks. “You’ve officially managed to push away the one person who cared about you. You’re a failure, Kihyun-ah. You’ve ruined whatever chance you could ever have at happiness. There’s no point to anything anymore. You know that. There’s no use fighting it.”

“…Is that okay?” Hoseok says, breaking Kihyun’s concentration on the voice. Kihyun glances up to meet Hoseok’s eyes, trying for a smile as he nods.

“I’m not all that hungry,” Kihyun answers, “so whatever you want is fine.”

“You need to eat, Kihyun-ah,” Hoseok insists. “It’s been a long day. A big bowl of ramyeon will do wonders for you.” Kihyun chuckles at the very typical statement, shaking his head.

“Your faith in a single dish of food astounds me,” he comments. Hoseok chuckles at the statement, the boisterous, lively sound bringing a smile to Kihyun’s face.

The waiter comes by and takes their order soon, leaving Hoseok and Kihyun alone in silence. One of Hoseok’s favorite things about this place is how small it is, but tonight it seems too cramped. He feels almost claustrophobic sitting at such a small table with Kihyun.

 

The two eat the meal with little discussion between them. Hoseok tries to start up a chat every once in a while, but Kihyun’s mind is understandably elsewhere.

 

Soon enough, the older pays for the meal and takes Kihyun gently by the arm. As expected, he didn’t eat much. Hoseok holds his leftovers in a takeout bowl, and leads Kihyun back to the dorm wordlessly. There’s almost unsettling about how quiet the younger is. He wants so desperately to know what’s going through his mind, though he knows he shouldn’t ask. He feels it isn’t his place to pry in such a way so soon after his friend’s breakup.

 

They reach the dorm soon enough, and Kihyun merely disappears into the bathroom with downcast eyes. Hoseok bites back a sigh, putting the younger’s leftover noodles into the fridge before lying down. He opens his phone and scrolls through the messages Minhyuk had sent him throughout the night, asking if Kihyun is alright and telling him how Hyunwoo is doing. Hoseok runs a hand through his hair, brainstorming a response carefully to keep his feelings in check.

Even though Minhyuk knows about his crush, and has in fact come clean about a crush on Hyunwoo he’s been harboring, Hoseok still doesn’t feel comfortable enough talking about it yet.

As he types, he glances over at the bathroom door, listening to the faint sound of running water from the other side.

 

Kihyun stares dully at the water rushing out of the faucet, filling the bathtub with the warm liquid. He can’t help but replay all the fights he’s had with Hyunwoo in his mind, all the times he’s failed the older one way or another. He doesn’t know how he’d put up with him for as long as he did. Kihyun feels so incredibly guilty for putting Hyunwoo through what he did, the emotion gnawing incessantly on his heart.

“There’s nothing left for you anymore,” the voice whispers to him. Tears come to Kihyun’s eyes almost immediately, feeling the voice to be right. Why not? It’s been right about everything else. He’s worthless and despicable, and has pushed everyone who’s ever bothered caring about him away.

“Just put an end to it,” it continues, almost cooingly.

Kihyun shuts off the water, a certain numbness filling him. He gets the awful suspicion that this is how he’ll feel for the rest of his life.

His thoughts then flash to Hoseok, how he had barely said a word all night.

“He knows how hopeless you are,” the voice explains, “so he doesn’t even bother trying. Why try to fix something so obviously broken beyond repair?”

Kihyun shakes his head, moving away from the bathtub. He wipes the steam off the mirror, glaring at his own reflection. He feels as if he should yell at the voice that it’s wrong, that it couldn’t be any further from the truth… but he can’t quite bring himself to.

The indignant fire leaves Kihyun’s eyes, leaving them looking nothing more like empty orbs of darkness set into his skull.

He grips the sides of the sink tightly as if it’s a lifeline, trying his hardest to argue with the voice. But, is it really so wrong? Hoseok obviously is so burdened by this mess he’s created, and Hyunwoo… Hyunwoo…

The young man shakes his head once more, dropping his gaze down to his hands. His eyes land on a razor, and he can’t seem to quite pull his gaze away. He glances between the full bathtub and the shaving implement repeatedly. He finds himself picking it up, trying to think of a reason to not do it. However, he can’t think of a single one.

He slips out of his jacket and socks, setting them neatly on the shelf to keep them out of the way. He locks the door as quietly as possible, hoping Hoseok doesn’t notice. Hopefully, the older is already asleep and won’t be aware of this until tomorrow.

Kihyun then slowly gets into the bathtub, lowering himself gently into the water, and closes his eyes.


	14. Chapter 14

Hoseok looks over at the bathroom door, frowning at how long Kihyun seems to be taking in the bath. He glances at his phone for the nth time, exasperation filling him at seeing it’s only been ten minutes since he heard the water shut off. He sighs, shaking his head at his own paranoia as he tries to turn his thoughts to other things. However, he can’t quite manage it. He feels as if something’s about to happen, or rather, is happening just on the other side of the door.

He stands, biting back a groan at himself as he gives into his worries. He knocks on the door, calling Kihyun’s name. When there’s no answer, he tries again.

“Kihyunnie?” Hoseok asks, doing his best to sound lighthearted. “Remember those three giant glasses of water I drank at dinner? Well, my bladder does.” He pauses, trying his best for a nonchalant chuckle. “Do you mind if I come in and take care of that? I would wait, but it’s really something that can’t be put off…”

Hoseok waits for a reply to his nervous tone, but nothing comes. At the silence, Hoseok knocks again, this time a bit more urgently.

“Yah!” he calls, thinking sounding authoritative might get a response. “Kihyun-ah! Don’t sit in there and ignore your hyung.” The anxious feeling he began to feel moments before grows, and he knocks for a third time.

“Kihyun, please answer,” he says, his voice coming out much more whiney than intended. He waits a moment more for something, anything, but there’s nothing. He tries the doorknob, and is surprised to find it locked. When did Kihyun lock it? Why would Kihyun lock it?

 _Hyung_ …

Hoseok pauses, swearing he’s just heard Kihyun’s voice. But, he swears he still hasn’t heard anything from the other side of the door…

A sense of dread pulls at Hoseok’s heart, though he doesn’t know why, and next thing he knows he’s kicking open the bathroom door. He sucks in a breath at what he sees, Kihyun lying in a tub of scarlet-tinged water, his eyes closed as if he’s sleeping.

He reacts automatically, closing the distance between them in one step. He pulls the younger out of the bathtub, trying to be as gentle as possible in his rush. He sets his friend down on the floor, ripping off his shirt to bandage up his still-bleeding wrists.

“No. Kihyunnie, no.” Hoseok whispers, tears swelling up in his eyes. He parts Kihyun’s lips and leans down, blowing air into the unconscious man’s mouth. He then pulls away, pushing on his chest with punctuated thrusts.

“You’re not dying tonight, Kihyunnie,” Hoseok swears. “I won’t let you.” He then leans forward again, blowing more air into the younger’s open mouth.

 

He repeats the process twice more, his soul plummeting at seeing there’s still no response. He pleads with the younger, begging him to wake up. Tears fall freely now down his cheeks as he works, and he desperately tries again and again.

 

Suddenly, Kihyun’s eyes flutter open. He gasps in air, obviously trying to gain his bearings. Hoseok jumps back surprisedly, having been in the midst of leaning forward to give him more air. Kihyun leans to the side, water spurting from his mouth as coughs wrack his body. Hoseok leans back, heaving air himself, though out of relief. More tears flood his eyes, unable to believe his luck at having not lost Kihyun. He could’ve sworn for a moment he’d been too late.

 

Eventually, the younger’s coughing ceases. He lies still on the bathroom floor, staring up at the ceiling. Hoseok doesn’t bother to try and not stare at him, his emotions in too much of a torment right now for him to try and control himself.

 

They’re both silent for a long time, neither knowing quite what to say. After all, what is there to say after such an experience? Hoseok finally grows weary of the silence and stands, bending down to help Kihyun up. The younger nervously accepts the aid, not quite knowing what to expect from Hoseok.

The older retrieves a towel from the closet and goes to a nearby drawer he knows to be Kihyun’s to retrieve some dry clothes. He then hands it all to the younger, who silently takes it and begins to dry off and change clothes. Hoseok then moves to the kitchen, looking around for something that’d help with his blood sugar. He remembers from when he donated blood the nurse giving him a big cookie and a glass of orange juice. When he asked why, she had explained that’d help him feel better after losing blood. True, what Kihyun just did isn’t really the same thing, but such snacks should have the same effect.

Luckily, he’s able to find just what he’s looking for. He returns to Kihyun’s side, handing him the juice and cookies. Kihyun takes the food wordlessly, and begins to eat and drink. Hoseok sits down beside him, suddenly feeling indescribably exhausted. He wraps an arm around Kihyun and pulls him close, not quite caring in that moment about his torn feelings between being friendly and being romantic. Such things don’t seem to matter as much after the night he’s had.

Kihyun leans into the touch, almost as if trying to apologize for what he’s done. Hoseok merely holds onto him tighter, leaning his head over to rest it atop the younger’s.

 

“I’m scheduling a meeting for you in the morning,” Hoseok says, finally speaking after an hour of sitting there silently. “I’m going to take you to see that counselor I told you about before. I know you said that you can’t, but I’m not giving you an option anymore.” Kihyun finds himself nodding, although his mind can’t quite process what the older is saying. Hoseok sighs, nodding himself before standing to take the dishes to the sink.

Kihyun lies down, following the older with his eyes. Hoseok cleans the dishes and goes to his new bed. He messages the counselor’s personal number, telling her it’s an emergency and that a friend of his has to come in and see her as soon as possible. She, thankfully, immediately responds, telling him to come by first thing in the morning. He snuggles down into the covers, facing Kihyun.

 

The two fall asleep staring at each other, neither uttering a single word.


	15. Chapter 15

Kihyun sits nervously on the couch, drumming his fingers against his knees. Hoseok is beside him, fidgeting with the ends of the sleeves. He doesn’t quite know why he’s so nervous, since this meeting isn’t even for him, but he is. He has a feeling it could be due to the fact that the younger hadn’t said a single word to him since the previous day. Hoseok had woken him up and made sure he got ready for the appointment, but he hadn’t uttered a single syllable.

A tan woman with long, brunette locks comes in, a wide smile set on her oval face. Hoseok stands, returning the grin.

“Hoseok-ah,” the woman greets, setting her things down and opening her arms wide for a hug. Hoseok can’t help the growing smile at her warm welcome as he steps into the embrace.

“Thanks for making time for us on such short notice, Hyolyn-noona,” he says to her softly.

“Of course,” Hyolyn says, waving off the comment after they separate. She then glances over to Kihyun, offering the younger a gentle smile. She extends a welcoming hand to shake. He stares at it hesitantly for a moment, but eventually takes it. Her gaze lingers on him for a moment, as if studying him, before sitting down. She glances up at Hoseok, her bright smile unwavering. “Are you staying for the session?”

“I…” he murmurs, glancing over at Kihyun. The younger seems to silently refuse to meet his gaze, stubbornly resting his eyes on the coffee table in front of him. “I hadn’t planned on it,” Hoseok finally answers, pausing for a moment before adding, “Unless, Kihyun-ah wants me to…”

“Would that be okay?” Kihyun asks almost immediately, unwittingly setting the older’s nerves at ease.

“It’s your session,” Hyolyn answers with a shrug. “Whoever you want with you is more than welcome to join us. I want you to feel as comfortable as possible during your time here.”

Hoseok stands there, frozen in place. He awaits the word from Kihyun asking him to either stay or go. He wishes so desperately to be asked to stay, despite feeling that’d be the last thing that the younger would want right now. He wants to be there for his dear Kihyunnie, knowing that the next hour-and-a-half will be tough on him if he willingly participates in it.

 

He can remember his own first session with Hyolyn clearly, the copious tears that had flown from his eyes as she explained perfectly what exactly had brought on his bout of self-esteem issues. It had been something he had struggled with ever since childhood. They had eaten him up from the inside out, always telling him that he was never good enough, emotionally, mentally, or physically. However, after about three months of sessions, he had figured out just how to work passed it all.

 

“Hyung,” Kihyun says softly, pulling the older out of his thoughts, “would you stay, please?” He looks up finally at Hoseok, his gaze watery. Hoseok nods immediately, his heart trembling at seeing the younger so fragile, and retakes his seat at Kihyun’s side.

Hyolyn clears her throat, opening her log book to a fresh page.

“Now,” she says, facing the two, “Hoseok’s message was vague last night when he asked for you to come see me. Do you mind telling me what happened that called for such an urgent meeting?”

“I…,” Kihyun says, biting his lower lip anxiously. He feels stupid admitting to having tried something like he had last night. She’d think that he’s a complete basket case... He feels the older’s hand reach over and squeeze his knee reassuringly, as if hearing his thoughts. He glances over at Hoseok, who only gives him a meek smile while nodding. He finds himself returning the grin, though he doesn’t know how he quite manages it. He then takes a deep breath, returning his gaze to the counselor.

“I tried to kill myself last night,” Kihyun admits, albeit in a low murmur. “Hyung found me and saved me.”

The counselor merely nods her head, beginning to scribble notes down in her book. Kihyun is surprised by her casual acceptance of such news, but realizes this must be something she hears a lot in her line of work.

“What caused you to attempt suicide?” she asks, making direct eye contact. Her fierce gaze gives Kihyun a slight shudder. He doesn’t know quite how to read her. She seems caring and competent enough, but her stare make him feel like she could slice his neck with that pen if she wanted to. He bites his tongue, unsure if having Hoseok stay with him was such a good idea. They had been through a lot in the past twelve hours together… What if this admittance is the breaking point?

“I,” he murmurs, struggling to find the right wording. He doesn’t want to spill all his guts out on the first visit, but he knows that if he’s to allow this woman to help him, she needs to know everything. And God, did he want help to end this once and for all. He takes a deep breath, steeling himself for how Hoseok could possibly react to finding out how crazy he is.

“I was trying to get it to stop,” Kihyun begins. He doesn’t know quite how to explain all this, having never done so to anyone before. “There’s this voice that I’ve always heard, dragging me down and telling me I’m worthless. Used to, I could ignore it, but it just got worse and worse. I thought I had finally gotten a handle on it, but I was wrong. That’s when I tried to kill myself.” Hyolyn nods thoughtfully, her pen never pausing in its scribbles as Kihyun tells his story for the first time.

“I never told anyone,” he says. He then turns to Hoseok, who’s watching him with surprised eyes, adding, “I didn’t even tell this to Hyunwoo.”

“And Hyunwoo is…?” Hyolyn prompts, wanting as many details as possible. Kihyun turns to answer, but feels the words clog up his throat on the way out. He clenches his fist on his knee, his failure of a relationship causing his heart to constrict.

“Hyunwoo-ya and Kihyun-ah were dating for about a year, officially,” Hoseok explains for him, recognizing immediately the younger’s struggle. “They were kind of on-again/off-again high school sweethearts, but they didn’t bother making it official until a year ago. They moved in together this year, but Hyunwoo-ya moved out yesterday.”

“And do you love him?”

Kihyun opens his mouth immediately to answer yes, he most certainly does love Hyunwoo, but his voice sticks in his throat. He frowns confusedly, patting his lips anxiously. He wants so much to affirm his feelings for the older, it being so sure that it’s truly how he feels for Hyunwoo.

 _Just say it_ , Kihyun tells himself. _What’s so hard? You’ve said it before._ He thinks back to all the times he and Hyunwoo exchanged such words of adoration and feeling with one another, all the nights spent just talking about how much they love one another…, and can’t think of a single time he’d answered the older’s profession. But, surely he had? It’s impossible that he wouldn’t have in all this time.

Although, if that’s true, then why is it so hard to say it now?

Hoseok glances over at the younger confusedly, wondering why he isn’t answering the counselor. Hyolyn merely nods, as if understanding the situation entirely. She writes down another note, and takes a deep breath before continuing.

“It’s alright if you don’t,” she tells him. “It doesn’t make you a bad person in any way. You should never feel like you have to love someone if you don’t.”

“But,” Kihyun begins, still not understanding what his problem is, “he… I…” Hyolyn merely gives him a gentle smile.

“We don’t have to dwell on that today,” she says. “Although I do think it’s something we should discuss something in a later session, I’d like to focus solely on this voice for today.” Kihyun sinks back against the couch, his straight posture giving way to the despair at his inability to answer the simple question from before. He gives a small nod, though, signifying that it’s okay with him if they continue. He glances over at Hoseok, whose befuddled gaze quickly breaks away at meeting Kihyun’s look of defeat. The older is clearly unable to meet the younger’s stare as Hyolyn prompts him to describe the voice.

 _Great_ , Kihyun thinks, _I guess I’ve lost him, too, now._


	16. Chapter 16

Kihyun answers Hyolyn’s questions as best he can, despite not knowing half of them. It isn’t as if they’re particularly hard questions, it’s her frankness that throws him off. He didn’t know what to expect when he came to this morning meeting with Hoseok, but he definitely didn’t expect someone like this. Not that he’s meaning to complain. On the contrary, someone who’s straightforward and to the point is much better than someone who’d treat him like a trampled little flower.

 

“Kihyun-ah,” Hyolyn begins, readjusting in her seat. Hoseok can’t help but glance nervously at the clock on the wall. He doesn’t remember how long his first appointment had lasted, but surely it hadn’t gone on for _this_ long. They’d been there for hours discussing every little detail about Kihyun’s condition. Of course, it isn’t as if he minds. The more thorough Hyolyn is, the better she can help Kihyun. “I have one more question for you before we leave today,” she goes on. She pauses, tapping her notebook with her pen. “Has anyone in your family ever been diagnosed with clinical depression?”

“Um,” Kihyun says, eyes drifting up to the ceiling in thought. He can’t recall his parents ever mentioning anything like that, but then again there was that estranged aunt that suffered crazy mood-swings and bouts of self-harm… Could she have been diagnosed? He had never met her before, his mother’s sister was sort of kept out of family goings-on because of her condition. “Possibly. I have to ask my mom before I answer for certain, though.” He pauses, his gaze returning to her as he adds, “Why? Is that what I have?”

“All signs do point to that,” Hyolyn answers. “I’d like for you to get a definitive answer before I officially diagnose you, though. Also, I’d like to set up another appointment with you, as soon as possible. How does next Wednesday work for you?”

“Sounds fine,” Kihyun replies dazedly, his surprise at the notion of being depressed bringing out his stutter for a moment. He had never even thought that there could be something medically wrong with him. This changes everything. If it’s something that can be treated, he can survive. He can live with it. He can even possibly get Hyunwoo back…

The notion of Hyunwoo returning to him pleases him for a solid five seconds, before remembering the seemingly easy question he had failed to answer at the beginning of the session. Would getting back with Hyunwoo really be a good idea? Kihyun has to fight back a sigh at the question, sinking back on the couch. He’ll have to add that to his list of things to think about when he has the time.

“In the meantime,” Hyolyn continues, “I want you to build a support system for yourself. A strong, steady support system that’ll help you through this. There is medication, but I’d prefer us to find a way to get you through this without the pills, if at all possible. That means being open to your friends about what you’re thinking and feeling. Can you do that?” Kihyun nods, unable to glance over at Hoseok. He hasn’t been able to bring himself to look at the older since the beginning of the session, since this whole Hyunwoo debacle began. Hyolyn looks over at Hoseok, giving him a smile. He nods, understanding this to be the end of the session.

“We’ll see you next week, Noona,” he says, standing. Kihyun looks up at him surprisedly, his sudden words causing the younger’s eyes to widen slightly.

“You’re willing to come back with me?” Kihyun asks. Hoseok glances over at Kihyun for the first time for an eternity, he feels, shooting the shorter a smile.

“Of course,” he replies. “That is, if you want me to.” Kihyun quickly nods, standing up as well. Hoseok glances over at Hyolyn, who stands as well. “Thank you again,” he says. She shakes their hands, smiling.

“My pleasure,” she tells them. “I’ll see you both Wednesday morning.” They nod again before leaving the room.

 

They’re quiet as they walk down the hall, neither quite knowing what to say. Hoseok wants to assure Kihyun that everything will be okay, that identifying the problem is the first step to solving it. However, whenever he tries to speak, all he can see is Kihyun’s struggle to answer Hyolyn’s question in the beginning. He had always assumed that he loved Hyunwoo, because of all they’ve been through together, because of all the time they’ve spent together, because of how perfect they are together.

But, now it seems he was wrong. He can’t deny the small glimmer of hope in his heart at this realization, though he completely and utterly hates himself for it. Guilt quickly squishes down the hope. He glances over at Kihyun, noting his pursed lips. He always does this when focusing hard on something. The younger must be torn up about it as well, Hoseok realizes.

He finds himself slipping a comforting hand into the younger’s, earning a surprised look from him. Hoseok offers a supportive smile, trying to convey with his eyes that everything will be okay. After a moment, Kihyun returns the grin thankfully, squeezing the older’s hand tightly.

 

They return to the dorm immediately after, without uttering a word to one another. Both are too lost in their own thoughts to be very conversational. Kihyun moves to the kitchen after leaving his shoes at the door, feeling the need to be productive after such a turbulent twenty-four hours. He begins to gather ingredients, though he doesn’t know for what yet. He allows himself to act on autopilot, cooking the first thing that comes to mind. Hoseok watches him work, concern filling his eyes.

He goes to stand behind the younger, wrapping his arms around his small waist. He snuggles his head against the back of Kihyun’s head, feeling suddenly that maybe if he thinks hard enough then it’ll take this stupid voice out of him. Kihyun sighs contentedly, instinctively leaning into the touch. He can’t help but feel safe and secure, warm and loved in Hoseok’s arms. He closes his eyes, for once his mind clear of any thoughts and, for that matter, any pesky voice.

 

A sudden knock at the door causes both to jump away, bursting their precious bubble of silence. Hoseok blushes, moving towards his bed to sit down. He hadn’t meant to hold onto Kihyun for so long, merely to give him a supportive squeeze and ask what he was cooking. He became distracted with how good it felt to hold the younger, how right it felt. Kihyun clears his throat, wiping his hands on a towel to go answer the door.

“Hyung,” Kihyun breathes out upon opening the door. He moves to the side to allow the visitor entrance, Hoseok standing at seeing it’s Hyunwoo and Minhyuk.

“Hey, Kihyun-ah,” Hyunwoo greets. He shoots a smile over to Hoseok, who merely nods in response. “Sorry I didn’t call or something first. I didn’t even think to.”

“It’s okay,” Kihyun tells him, his voice surprisingly strong considering the situation. “Your timing is perfect. We just got back from a walk.” Hyunwoo nods, moving into the dorm to begin to gather his things. Kihyun returns to the kitchen, wishing to busy himself so he doesn’t have to watch. Minhyuk and Hoseok share a lost glance, very much uncomfortable with the atmosphere in the room.

“Hoseok-ah,” Minhyuk says to Hoseok, “could you show me where the nearest coffee machine is?” Hoseok nods almost immediately, grateful to the younger for coming up with an excuse to leave. The two clearly need to talk, and they certainly won’t do so with him and Minhyuk around. Hopefully they will with some privacy.

 

The two leave the dorm, saying they’ll be back soon. Kihyun hears Hyunwoo zip up bags and snap closed storage boxes. He can’t bring himself to speak, though he knows they should.

 

“Well,” Hyunwoo murmurs, startling Kihyun. He turns around, his eyes widening at seeing Hyunwoo is already finished. How long had they been together in total silence? “I guess I should be going. I’m… I’m really sorry Kihyunnie. I want you to believe me when I say I think this is for the best. I think Hoseok will be of better help to you than me, and—”

“Hyung,” Kihyun says, remembering his session with Hyolyn earlier, the question that he just couldn’t answer. He bites his lip nervously, very much not wanting to ask but needing to get this off his chest. “Do… Did you believe that I loved you?”


	17. Chapter 17

“So, how were things last night?” Minhyuk asks Hoseok as he downs half his can of coffee. The older sucks down the beverage in surprise, pulling the can back as he coughs due to it flooding his windpipe.

“Wh-Wh-What do you mean?” Hoseok asks in return, beating his chest to clear his throat. Minhyuk gives him a curious glance, but decides not to question the reaction. The older seems incredibly tired, dark circles lining the bags of his eyes. Clearly, he didn't sleep well the night before. That’s most likely what’s wrong with him today.

“How was Kihyun after Hyunwoo broke up with him?” Minhyuk records the question, seeming to put Hoseok's mind at ease judging by his lowering shoulders. He selects his own drink and waits for it to be dispensed, opening it and taking a big gulp immediately. He hadn’t slept well the night before, either. The sight of Hyunwoo sleeping so closely to him, even if it was across the room, was enough to set every nerve-ending Minhyuk has on fire, making it impossible to sleep.

“As fine as you'd expect,” Hoseok answers, doing his best to not sound defensive. “He was heartbroken last night. He didn't eat anything, and I doubt he slept much.” He decides to leave out the attempted suicide bit, knowing full well it isn't his place to say anything about it. Minhyuk hums thoughtfully, nodding.

“Hyunwoo was... surprisingly calm,” Minhyuk responds. “I mean, he was pretty quiet all night, sure, but other than that he seemed fine. He was more lethargic than anything.”

Silence wraps itself around them, each getting the feeling the other isn’t telling as much as there is to say. Hoseok feels guilty for not telling Minhyuk about what happened, but not guilty enough to make him tell. He knows it’s Kihyun and Kihyun alone who should tell whoever about his situation, about what he tried last night.

A sudden shiver goes through Hoseok at remembering how pale Kihyun had been the previous night, his hair wet and stringy, stuck to the sides of his head. His chest aches as he remembers the panic and terror he felt, scared lifeless at thinking he’d lost Kihyun.

“I hope they’ll talk things through,” Minhyuk says, yanking Hoseok out of his memories. Hoseok nods, unable to keep from feeling grateful to the younger for pulling him out of his thoughts.

“I have a feeling they will,” Hoseok tells him. “We should probably give them some time, though. They probably won’t start right away.” Minhyuk nods himself, sighing as he sits down on the floor beside the coffee machine. Hoseok follows suit, sitting beside his best friend.

“This is such a sticky situation,” Minhyuk murmurs, resting his head on Hoseok’s shoulder. Hoseok chuckles, thinking that to be the understatement of the year. He leans his head atop the younger’s, having to bite back a sigh of his own.

“Things will sort themselves out,” Hoseok says, hoping that if he can convince Minhyuk of this, then he has no choice but to believe it as well.

The friends then fall into another silence, sipping on their coffees until they feel they’ve given the ex-lovers enough time to sort things out.

 

“Did you believe that I loved you?” Kihyun asks hesitantly. He drops his gaze on the older immediately after saying this, unable to meet his eyes any longer. He feels ashamed for even needing to ask, but after his session he isn’t sure of anything anymore. He isn’t even sure if he wants to know the answer to his own question, regretting his words as the older sighs.

“For a while, yes,” Hyunwoo answers slowly, as if choosing his words carefully. “I would’ve sworn to the ends of time that you loved me, and that I loved you. But, I don’t know… I’m not really sure when I changed my mind.”

“You mean—?” Kihyun asks, his eyes snapping back up at the older’s. Hurt shines within his eyes, a cry clogging up his throat. Hyunwoo’s eyes widen slightly, as if realizing what he’d said.

“I’ll always care about you, Kihyunnie,” Hyunwoo tells him, closing the distance between them in one step. He grabs Kihyun by his shoulders, staring earnestly into the younger’s watery eyes. “I don’t want you to ever question that. I just, I meant that I realized the love I feel for you isn’t really the kind of love I thought it was… Does that make sense?”

Kihyun pauses for a moment, relief flooding his heart. He lets loose a chuckle, though he isn’t sure what he’s laughing at. Hyunwoo’s grip on his shoulders loosens in surprise at his reaction.

“Sorry,” Kihyun sighs, sniffling slightly. “It just… It’s such a relief to hear you say that.” He then leans forward, wrapping his arms around the older’s waist. Hyunwoo seems taken aback by the gesture at first, but after a moment he returns the embrace, squeezing Kihyun tightly. “Thank you, hyung. I’ll always care about you, too. I’m… I’m really sorry to have put you through all this. You didn’t deserve any of it.” Kihyun pulls away, stretching up on his tiptoes to give him a peck on the cheek. “I hope you find someone that deserves you.”

Hyunwoo opens his mouth to reply, but suddenly the door opens. Kihyun darts away from the older, although he isn’t too sure why. He looks towards the door, seeing Minhyuk and Hoseok standing there with unreadable gazes glued onto them. Kihyun feels a blush begin to creep it’s way up his cheeks. He glances up at Hyunwoo, and sees a blush much stronger than his own flaring up on the older’s face.

“Did we interrupt something?” Minhyuk asks, a forced cheerfulness to his voice.

“Just saying goodbye,” Hyunwoo answers, stepping away to gather his bags. Minhyuk moves to help, and then stands patiently at the door. Hyunwoo pulls the key out of his pocket, and is about to put it on the table beside the door. He pauses, glancing over at Hoseok. He then looks over at Kihyun, the anxious blush on the younger’s cheeks, and can’t help but chuckle knowingly. He walks towards Hoseok and hands him the key, grasping his hand tightly. “Take care of it,” he mumbles, low enough for only Hoseok to hear. He then backs away, moving towards the door. Hoseok coughs surprisedly, choking on his own spit. He feels the older is speaking of more than just the key, though it’s impossible. How would he know? “We’ll see you guys later,” he says casually, leading Minhyuk out of the dorm.

Minhyuk hovers for a moment, shooting Hoseok a questioning glance, whose eyes are now three times their normal size. He pouts, wanting to stay behind to demand answers but knowing he should go with Hyunwoo to let him into the apartment to unpack his things. He glances at Hoseok, silently telling the older he’ll be hearing from him later, and follows Hyunwoo away. Kihyun sighs, returning to what he was doing in the kitchen. He doesn’t even know what he was making in the first place, but judging by the ingredients, it was kimchi stew.

“S-So,” Hoseok says, Hyunwoo’s earnest tone still echoing in his ears, “did you and Hyunwoo-ya talk while we were gone?” Hoseok tightens his grasp on the key, moving to stand beside the younger as he cooks.

Kihyun hums his reply, a sense of contentment filling him. He’s glad to have cleared the air with Hyunwoo, and is fairly certain they’ll remain friends after all this. He feels indescribably happy at that, for it’s more than he feels he deserves after what he had put the older through. He doesn’t know what he’s done to deserve such benevolence from Hyunwoo, but he’s thankful for it nonetheless.

Hoseok watches him, waiting for an explanation. Though, the shorter doesn’t seem like he’s willing to share. Eventually, Hoseok just sighs. He slips his new key into his pocket and leans against the counter, crossing his arms over his chest casually.

“What’re you making?” he asks, deciding that to be an easier topic to discuss.

“Kimchi stew,” Kihyun answers, picking the lid up from the boiling pot and stirring the contents within. A wondrous smell fills the air, causing Hoseok’s mouth to water. He can’t remember the last time he’s had that, and his stomach suddenly growls at the thought of doing so.

Kihyun glances over at the rumble surprisedly, his face breaking out into a wide smile. He breathily chuckles at the older, leaning back as a hyena-like laugh escapes him. Hoseok blushes, embarrassed by his own stomach, but can’t help but smile at seeing Kihyun laughing so wholeheartedly. His heart warms at the sight.


	18. Chapter 18

“I talked to my mom,” Kihyun says, earning a curious glance from Hyolyn. A week passed quickly for Hoseok and Kihyun, classes keeping them busy enough to not think too much about the previous week’s events. Kihyun’s grateful for the classwork keeping him busy. It manages to keep him from thinking too much about all that’s happened recently. Despite Hyunwoo and him having their friendly reconciliation, he still feels guilty about how everything went. A guilt that, if he’s to be completely honest, seems to spike whenever Hoseok is near, though he isn’t sure why. It’s made him avoid Hoseok as much as possible, which isn’t that hard considering their different schedules and how much time the older spends at the gym on a weekly basis.

  
“About the relative you mentioned?” Hyolyn prompts, although she feels she already knows the answer.

  
“My aunt was diagnosed with clinical depression,” Kihyun answers while nodding. He pauses before asking, “I’m not going to end up like her, am I? She’s isolated from the family, and is a danger to herself and others. I…” He pauses, feeling nervous about saying this with Hoseok sitting right next to him, though he doesn’t know why. “I want to have my own family someday. Will I be able to if I do have depression?”

  
“Of course,” Hyolyn replies easily, giving him a supportive smile. He visibly breathes a sigh of relief, nodding again. Hoseok shifts in his seat, leaning back to stretch his arms out on the back of the sofa. Kihyun can feel his overwhelming presence spreading out around him, and it makes him feel a bit anxious. Butterflies flutter in his stomach, the image of the older’s strong arms wrapping around him from behind and holding him flashing to the forefront of his mind. He’s vaguely aware of a blush creeping up his cheeks at the thought, but he quickly pats his cheeks to make it go away.

  
“You okay, Kihyunnie?” Hoseok asks from behind, noticing his shift in mood. Kihyun nods quickly, not daring to look behind him. He’s sure to have a concerned pout on his face, and Kihyun can never handle that particular expression. Hyolyn’s eyes flicker between the two boys, a knowing light coming to them. She shakes her head slightly, but then clears her throat and continues on.

  
“It’s good you’re thinking of what you want out of your future,” she tells Kihyun. “You should do that more often. Make weekly plans, whether it be what to have for dinner or a night out with friends. Being very open about how you feel, your doubts and concerns, are a good way to get ahead of this voice of yours. How long has it been since you last heard from this voice of yours?”

  
Kihyun glances up at the ceiling, patting his lips lightly in thought. The last time he remembers hearing that voice is…

  
“I don’t think I’ve heard it since the night before our first session,” Kihyun mumbles, eyes falling confusedly. It isn’t that he’s upset to have seemingly lost the voice, but why now? After the last time he went a while without hearing it, he can’t help but be suspicious. Hyolyn looks away to write something down, and then returns to staring at Kihyun as she asks when the last time was it’s been so long since he heard the voice. Kihyun answers, inadvertently diving into a retelling of his lost lake stone.

 

Hoseok watches the younger speak openly with Hyolyn, glad he’s at least talking to someone. He had thought after the first session that Kihyun would open up to him more at their dorm, but he hasn’t seemed interested in the least. He tries to give the shorter his space, in order to not make him feel pressured in any way to share, but he can’t help but feel he’s ended up giving Kihyun too much space.

 

As Kihyun talks about his past with Hyunwoo, Hyolyn bringing up the subject to try and figure out the root of the voice and thinking it has something to do with the relationship, Hoseok notices him becoming agitated. It’s understandable, of course. The wound is still a bit too fresh to be speaking so casually about it. Although, Hoseok doesn’t blame Hyolyn for asking, having the same suspicion as her for a while. It’d make sense if Kihyun’s guilt somehow manifested itself in this voice for being in a relationship for so long with someone he doesn’t love.

  
Hoseok sighs, absentmindedly reaching forward and placing a hand on the nape of Kihyun’s neck. He begins to pet the thin line of hair there comfortingly. Kihyun relaxes against the touch, taking a moment too long to realize what he’s doing. He immediately straightens up upon realizing, stiffening slightly. Hoseok notes the reaction, and quickly snatches his hand away at seeing what he’s doing. A mixture of guilt and hurt clog up his throat, and he awkwardly clears it as he runs the hand through his hair before setting it in his lap.

 

The two leave the counselor’s room a couple hours later. Hoseok stuffs his hands into his pockets anxiously, not wanting a repeat of what happened on the couch. He feels awful about it, hoping Kihyun didn’t think he was trying to make some kind of move on him. Of course, Kihyun should know that. The younger and he have been friends for years, and he knows how handsy Hoseok is typically. Though, it was different before. Before Hoseok hadn’t been harboring a year-long crush on the younger, and Kihyun hadn’t just been dumped by Hyunwoo.

 

Hyunwoo and Minhyuk sit in their dorm, doing homework. Or, at least, Minhyuk is. Hyunwoo has been asleep, though Minhyuk doesn’t know for how long. He only noticed the older was asleep in the first place when he felt his fingers brush up against his waist. Minhyuk glances down, noting Hyunwoo’s hand so close to the waistband of his jeans. Hyunwoo lies on his back, his eyes slightly open in his sleep, a soft snore escaping his parted lips. Minhyuk finds it particularly hard to concentrate on his work, the proximity of the older setting him on edge.

  
Minhyuk’s phone suddenly buzzes beside him. He goes to check the notification, and sees it’s a message from Hoseok asking if he wants to meet up. Minhyuk looks over at Hyunwoo’s sleeping form hesitantly, not particularly wanting to leave him alone in such an adorable state. He wishes to savor every moment like this, when Hyunwoo looks so cute without even trying. The mere thought causes his heart to beat just a little faster.

  
Minhyuk sighs at himself, at how deeply he seems to be falling for Hyunwoo, and replies to Hoseok. He then stands, careful so as not to wake the other. He writes a quick note to the older about where he’s going in case he wakes up before he comes back, and grabs his keys and wallet before leaving. He shakes his head, doing his best to get the sight of Hyunwoo sleeping out of his mind. He needs a clear head for talking to Hoseok, hoping to get some answers he’s been dying to know since Hyunwoo picked up his things a week ago.


	19. Chapter 19

“How've you been, Minhyukkie?” Hoseok asks, hugging the younger tightly. Minhyuk chuckles into Hoseok's ear, returning the embrace.

  
“Okay,” he answers. “I never know if it's okay to call or not, if we've somehow taken sides or what. I feel like I’m betraying Hyunwoo whenever I'm not around him, after everything he's been through. But, I've missed you.”

  
“It's only been a week Minhyuk-ah,” Hoseok teases, though he knows exactly what he means. Minhyuk pouts at the statement, though it breaks out into a smirk as he pulls in the older for another hug.

  
“How's Kihyun holding up?” Minhyuk asks as they break apart once more. They take seats at the table, the waitress coming by almost immediately to take their order. Hoseok sighs, shrugging.

  
“I'm trying to give him his space,” Hoseok replies. He pauses, remembering the incident in the counselor’s room earlier that day. “I can't help but feel like he's beginning to pull away from me.” He chuckles before adding, “God, I sound like his whiney boyfriend or something.”

  
“Well you are, aren't you?” Minhyuk says. Hoseok stares questioningly at him, unable to tell whether or not he's joking. “Hyunwoo told me what he said to you when he gave you the key to the dorm,” he explains. He flashes a sunny smile, adding, “The ex has given you his blessing. What're you waiting for, a written invitation?”

  
“I…” Hoseok murmurs, eyes widening in surprise. He hadn't dared to hope Hyunwoo's words were what he wanted them to be. Minhyuk hadn't even heard what Hyunwoo had said firsthand, but seems pretty confident about the hidden meaning. Of course, that's Minhyuk for you. He's always been able to see what's really going on, the inner-workings of everything being his business.

  
Minhyuk sighs, breaking the older out of his thoughts.

  
“You're really hopeless sometimes,” Minhyuk tells him, exasperated. “You know that?” He can't help but shake his head. This had been what he was afraid of. The older was never the best at taking the initiative when it came to his relationships, but Minhyuk had hoped Hyunwoo's blatant approval would've given Hoseok all the incentive he needed. Obviously, he had underestimated Hoseok's ditziness.

  
“I don't feel right making a move so soon after Hyunwoo and Kihyun's break up,” Hoseok says. “Kihyunnie has some things he needs to figure out on his own. After that, I'll test the waters and try and tell if he's interested in something like that.”

  
“Is it something serious?” Minhyuk asks curiously. Hoseok hesitates, wanting so badKH to tell his friend everything that's happened, but knowing he shouldn't.

  
“It is,” Hoseok simply answers. Minhyuk stares at him, waiting for a proper explanation, but the older doesn't offer one. He merely squirms guiltily under the younger’s gaze, playing with the ends of his sleeves with anxious fingers.

  
“I hope he figures things out,” Minhyuk says at last, his suspicions rising. Just what could be so bad that Hoseok is holding out on giving him information? The older has never kept anything from him before, so why now? What made this situation so important that he do such a thing? Hoseok hums in acknowledgment, nodding. He can't even begin to put into words how much he wishes the same.

 

The two remain in the café as long as they can before feeling guilty for leaving their roommates alone for too long. Hoseok, especially, is in a hurry to leave when he realizes how long he's been away. Ever since Kihyun tried to off himself, Hoseok never feels too safe about leaving him alone. But, he has to power through it so he doesn't suffocate the younger. At least, so he thinks.

 

Kihyun sits alone in the dorm, drumming his fingers against his knees. Hoseok had left a few hours ago, only about thirty minutes after the therapy session. Kihyun wracks his brain to try and figure out if he had said something wrong. But then, he remembers how Hoseok had touched him, and how he had physically rejected it. His heart bangs painfully against his chest at the memory, feeling incredibly guilty.

  
Hoseok is the last person to deserve such treatment from Kihyun after everything that’s happened, everything he's done for the younger. He won't push Hoseok away like he did Hyunwoo. Kihyun shakes his head, resolute. He won't allow himself to continue in this pattern. It stops now.

  
The door suddenly opens, and Hoseok enters the dorm. He seems surprised to see Kihyun sitting there, as if waiting for him. His eyes nervously dart around the room as he nods in acknowledgment. He takes of his jacket and runs a hand through his hair, licking his lips anxiously as he takes a seat on his bed.

  
“Hoseok-ah,” Kihyun says, causing the older to jolt. “I… I'm sorry about how I've been acting lately. I know I've been pushing you away, but I'm stopping it now. You deserve better than that.”

  
“You're n-not all to blame,” Hoseok murmurs. “I was trying to give you your space, but I guess I gave you too much.” Kihyun hums thoughtfully, the older’s words not really appeasing the younger’s guilt. Silence stretches between them, neither really knowing what to say. Kihyun finally can't stand it anymore and stands from the bed.

  
“Let's make a plan for the week,” he stares simply. “Hyolyn-noona said that'd be a good idea for me to do, and recovery is all about participation. So, let's do it.” A brilliant smile breaks out over his face as Kihyun goes to get some paper and a pen, nodding excitedly.

  
Kihyun sits in front of Hoseok's bed, leaning his side against the older’s leg for support. Hoseok is surprised at the sudden touch, especially considering what happened during the meeting, but he doesn't say anything. Instead, he turns his attention to the task at hand.

 

They plan out everything, meals, free time, study time… even a new bathroom schedule for the mornings. Hoseok doesn't particularly think some of the things they plan are completely necessary, but it seems to give Kihyun some peace of mind, and that makes it all worth it.

 

As they near the end of the last page, Hoseok absentmindedly begins to pet the naps of Kihyun's neck. Kihyun is aware of the touch immediately, and remembers what happened at the session. But, this time, he doesn't pull away. He merely leans into the touch, and slips an arm around the older’s legs.

  
“Thank you,” Kihyun murmurs. His voice is so soft, Hoseok isn't sure he's spoken, but the tightening of Kihyun's hold on him tells him that he had.

  
The younger then stands, moving to the kitchen.

  
“I figured I'd make ramyeon for dinner,” he tells Hoseok. The older nods adamantly, even though he knows Kihyun can't see it. Kihyun let's out a breathy chuckle through pursed lips and clenched teeth, knowing exactly the older’s reaction. He goes about gathering ingredients and setting out the necessary dishes. Hoseok joins him, and helps the younger prepare his favorite meal. 


	20. Chapter 20

“I'm nervous about going back home for break,” Kihyun admits, his gaze falling to his feet.

“And why is that?” Hyolyn asks. She waits on him to answer, but when he doesn't, merely biting his lower lip in thought, she adds, “Kihyun-ah, you've been doing incredibly well this past month. You're speaking openly, you're making plans, you're communicating with your friends and working harder in classes… You've even gotten to the point where you don't need Hoseok-ah here with you anymore. I'm very confident that you'll be fine for the month-long holiday from school.”

“I just don't know,” Kihyun sighs. “Sometimes it feels like I can only do all this because of Hoseok. If he isn't around, I don't know what I'll be like.”

“Now’s the time to find out,” the woman insists bluntly. “You can't live your life so dependent on him. You need to figure out now whether or not you can make it without him.”

Kihyun blinks thoughtfully at the counselor’s words. This has become a common topic with them during their sessions. In fact, it was at her request that Hoseok stop joining Kihyun for his sessions. Hoseok had been reluctant, but Kihyun felt the need to prove himself to Hyolyn, so he insisted. He and Hoseok had been spending so much time together lately, anyway, that it's good for the older to take some time for himself.

“What if I can't do it?” Kihyun asks sincerely. He looks up, directly into the woman's eyes. “What then?”

“Then we can discuss options,” Hyolyn replies.

“The pills?” Kihyun says, though he doesn't need an answer.

“I don't think medication is necessary in your case,” Hyolyn tells him, shaking her head. “It is genetic, considering your family history, but your level of depression doesn't seem to require it. You're doing just fine coping without it. Now all that's needed is for you to find some independent ways to handle your depression. I still want you to keep your support system, mind you, I just would like for you to not depend so heavily on him.”

After a moment, Kihyun nods understandingly. His trepidation lingers in his mind, but he forces himself to soak in the counselor’s words. They continue on, discussing whatever he wishes until the end of the session. Which, he has to admit, doesn't come soon enough. He wants nothing more than to leave, just so he can go see Hoseok.

  
 _Maybe that's the issue_ , Kihyun thinks as he hurriedly leaves after the session ends. _Maybe Noona is right. Maybe I really do depend on Hoseok-ah too much._ He pauses, his foot hovering over the floor mid-step.

 _I don't feel like I'm depending on him, though. I just like having him around. He makes the dorm… comfortable, I guess. It just doesn't feel the same whenever he isn't around and leaving his junk everywhere._ Kihyun chuckles, shaking his head at his buzzing phone. _I swear if I get back and he forgot his keys in the dorm again and is calling me about it…_

He pauses, frowning confusedly at the Caller ID.

“Minhyuk-ah?” Kihyun asks, pressing the phone to his ear.

“Kihyun-ah,” Minhyuk says, his voice sounding somewhat different. Kihyun can't tell why, though. It's just as boisterous and raspy as ever. “I was wondering if we could meet up for coffee. Now?”

“Um,” Kihyun answers, “sure. Where?” Minhyuk thanks him, gives him an address, and tells him he’ll see him soon before hanging up. Kihyun sucks in a breath through his teeth as he slips his phone back into his pocket. Minhyuk rarely calls him, what little conversations they've had being over text, so whatever this is must be important.

Kihyun quickens his pace, eager to find out.

  
“Thanks for coming, Kihyunnie,” Minhyuk says upon sighting the brunette, standing to give him a quick hug. Kihyun hums in acknowledgment, and takes a seat.

“Is something wrong?” Kihyun can't help but ask. Minhyuk hums as he quickly shakes his head. Kihyun nods himself, unable to ignore the relief that washes over him.

“I just,” Minhyuk begins, pausing to take a sip of coffee. “I wanted to speak with you about Hyunwoo.” Kihyun instinctively straightens up at hearing his ex-boyfriend’s name, but Minhyuk quickly reassures him. “He's fine, really. It's more indirectly about him than something he's done or anything.” Kihyun visibly relaxes, nodding.

“But he's doing okay?” Kihyun can't help but ask.

“Of course,” Minhyuk answers easily. Kihyun smiles at hearing this, glad their failure of a relationship didn't screw him up at all. Kihyun honestly doesn’t know what he'd do with himself if that were the case. Minhyuk sighs, seeming unsure of how to continue.

“I'm just going to come out and say it,” he says. “I like Hyunwoo. A lot, actually. So I figured, what with you and Hoseok being together now—”

“Me and Hoseok what?” Kihyun asks, bewildered. Minhyuk blinks confusedly at the interruption, scowling.

“Hoseok hasn't made a move yet, has he?” The younger’s silence is all the confirmation that Minhyuk needs. He sighs, exasperated, and sits back in his chair. “Sorry, I guess the cat’s out of the bag. I didn't mean to ruin anything. I just assumed, what with how much time you two spend together nowadays and the blessing Hyunwoo gave, that you two had become an item.”

“I'm not ready to be in another relationship,” Kihyun quickly corrects, shaking his head. “I mean, it isn't that I'm not over Hyunwoo or anything, I just… I don't really trust myself dating anyone right now, I guess. Not after what I put hyung through for so long.” He pauses before adding, “There's some personal things I need to fix before I get involved with anyone again.” Minhyuk hums, his gaze falling to the table. “But,” Kihyun quickly adds at seeing this, “if you want to ask Hyunwoo out, go for it. The both of you should be happy, and if becoming a couple helps out with that then by all means, do it.”

Minhyuk smiles, seemingly relieved at the younger’s words. Kihyun smiles as well, though he can't seem to get Minhyuk's words out of his head.

_Hyunwoo's blessing? Blessing for what, Hoseok to ask me out? But, Hoseok and I are just friends, roommates. That's it._

Kihyun's phone suddenly rings in his pocket, causing the brunette to jump in surprise. He pulls it out, and his heartbeat quickens at seeing it’s a call from Hoseok.

“Kihyunnie!” the older greets as soon as the call connects. Kihyun can't help but chuckle at hearing the excited tone in his voice. “I know we had plans for dinner tonight, but I heard about this place that just opened up around campus. It's apparently got the best steak you've ever had. You like steak, right?” Kihyun begins to answer that yes, he does, but something stops him. He glances over at Minhyuk staring at him curiously, probably because of the ridiculous grin set on his face.

“Sorry, Hoseok-ah,” he says after some time, trying to shake off the older’s gaze, “but I can't. I've got some assignments I need to finish up. Besides, I should probably start packing for the holiday anyway.” Hoseok whines disappointedly, and Kihyun can't help but laugh. “Stop pouting, hyung. We can go to that restaurant some other time.”

“I'm not pouting,” Hoseok defends, though Kihyun can almost hear the expression in his tone.

“Of course you are,” Kihyun says bluntly.

“Yah!” Hoseok protests amidst his wonderfully vibrant chuckling. “I'm still your hyung, you know! Show some respect.”

“Sure, sure,” Kihyun answers. “I’ve got to go. I'll see you later, Hoseok-ah.”

“I'll see you at home,” Hoseok says after humming in acknowledgment. Kihyun hums himself before ending the call, and slides the phone back into his pocket. He smiles at the older’s words, for some reason loving the notion of seeing the older at ‘home’.

“Thank you, Kihyunnie,” Minhyuk sighs. “I hope things work out well for you soon, however it ends up being. I'm sorry to call you so randomly like I did, but you know how I get. When I need to take care of something, I need to do it as soon as I can.” Kihyun only hums, nodding to the older. He gets up, sucking in a breath through his teeth.

“I mean what I said, Minhyuk-ah,” he assures the older. “I hope things work out for you, really.” Minhyuk's characteristically bright smile turns a bit somber as he chuckles.

“Thank you, Kihyunnie,” he says again. Kihyun nods once more, giving his friend a smile before leaving the café.

 


	21. Chapter 21

Kihyun walks back to his dorm, hands shoved into his pockets and head bent down in thought. Minhyuk’s assumption from earlier swims around in his mind.

_“Hoseok hasn’t made a move yet, has he?”_

Does Hoseok _want_ to make a move? Is he just lying in wait until he finally thinks Kihyun would be open to a relationship with him? Kihyun sighs, shaking his head. Could that be why Hoseok has been so supportive through all this? Is he only doing it to get through Kihyun’s defenses?

 _Of course not_ , Kihyun quickly tells himself. _Hoseok-ah is way too pure for that kind of devious tactic…_

He needs to talk to Hoseok about all this. He needs to clear the air between the two, to make things clear for them. His heart hurts at the idea of breaking down whatever hopes Hoseok might have concerning a future between them, but it has to be done. It’s better for the older to be released now from thoughts like those as soon as possible.

****

The brunette breathes deeply as he enters the dorm, unable to keep himself from smiling as Hoseok’s cologne washes over him. Hoseok loves a bunch of different smells, resulting in the dorm being soaked in a plethora of aromas that somehow all go together surprisingly well. There’s something comforting about it, but Kihyun can’t quite tell what. He goes to lie down, snuggling close to his pillow and realizes. Hoseok’s personal smell surrounds him, all the fragrances being ones that cover the older on a daily basis, and Kihyun feels safe and at ease by it all.

“Kihyunnie~,” a singsong voice greets. Kihyun glances up to see Hoseok working away in the kitchen. He chuckles, raising a suspicious brow at this.

“What’re you doing there, Hoseok-ah?” he asks, not bothering to hide the surprise in his voice.

“I can cook, too, you know,” Hoseok says defensively. “Who do you think took care of Minhyuk and me most of the time when I lived with him? Minhyukkie was always too lazy to cook, though he claims he can.” Kihyun chuckles, and Hoseok glances over his shoulder at the younger to shoot him an adoring smile. This gives Kihyun pause, his mind darting back to what Minhyuk had said earlier. He needs to clear things up with Hoseok, whether Minhyuk’s information had been wrong or not. “I figured since you’re spending tonight packing, I’d take care of things. You know, since I’m not going anywhere I might as well.” Kihyun hums, sitting up as he pats his lips anxiously as he tries to figure out how to word this.

“I actually spoke to Minhyuk-ah today,” he tells his roommate. Hoseok hums in acknowledgment, and tells him to continue. “He said something pretty surprising. He told me he wants to ask Hyunwoo out, and was kind of asking for my blessing.” He pauses hesitantly before adding with a nervous chuckle, “He thought this a good time to ask because he thought that you and I have become an item…” He watches the older for a reaction. Hoseok hums again, though his broad shoulders have become noticeably stiffer. He’s silent for some time, as if trying to think of what to say. Kihyun sighs, though, the silence being all the confirmation he needs.

“Th-Th-That’s Minhyuk-ah for you,” Hoseok says at last, adding in a chuckle. “Just going off and assuming things… What’re we gonna do with him?” Kihyun gets up from his bed and joins Hoseok’s side, watching his face as he speaks.

“Hyung,” he says gently, reaching out to hold onto Hoseok’s arm to get him to pause in his work. Hoseok glances over at Kihyun, his tongue flicking out to moisten his lips. “If you have feelings for me, if you want to be with me like that, I—”

“Kihyun-ah,” Hoseok interrupts, a hand leaving the counter to rest atop Kihyun’s, “all I _want_ is for you to get better, to be happy like you used to be. That’s all I care about. I know that the last thing you need right now is to even consider starting a new relationship, especially after the one you just got out of. So, please, just forget Minhyuk said anything. It’d add unnecessary stress into all that you’re already going through, otherwise.” He smiles down at the younger, a comforting light filling his eyes.

Kihyun smiles up at Hoseok, touched by his sincerity. He nods, and can’t hold himself back from leaning into the older’s side. He breathes in the older’s scent, nuzzling closer without realizing. Hoseok wraps an arm around him, holding him impossibly close.

It feels as if the two stand there for an eternity, wrapped up in their own bubble where nothing matters but this moment. Despite Kihyun’s innocent intent for hugging his hyung, it’s quickly become something more. The air is relaxed, but soon fills with underlying tension. Kihyun feels as if he should just pull away and give the older some space to work, to maybe actually go start packing his bags to head home for the holiday, but he can’t bring himself to.

Hoseok manages to pull away from the younger man. His eyes meet Kihyun’s, the beautiful orbs seeming to somehow dance. They lean their heads towards each other instinctively. Kihyun’s heartbeat begins to race in his chest, sounding so loud in his ears he’s sure Hoseok can hear it as well. Hoseok’s gaze darts down nervously towards Kihyun’s lips, licking his own anxiously.

Finally, a small, breathy chuckle escapes Hoseok. He presses his forehead against Kihyun’s. He then moves away, sighing defeatedly as he casually tries to put some distance between him and the shorter. Kihyun watches as the older busies himself, undeniably disappointed despite himself. He shakes his head at himself, and takes a deep breath before moving away to return to his bed. He begins pulling out a couple of bags and going through his clothes, sorting his things into what he can go ahead and pack and what he has to either wash or keep out until the day he leaves because of them being daily items.

 

The two work in silence until dinner is ready. Hoseok tells Kihyun to stop what he’s doing, and brings their food into the living room. They sit down across from each other, and Hoseok struggles to come up with a topic as the younger wordlessly begins to eat. He can’t stop replaying the near-kiss in his head. He had been so close to crossing that line. He had barely managed to pull back in time.

His phone suddenly goes off, surprising the both of them. He leans away to retrieve it, and can’t help but chuckle at the worried text from Minhyuk displayed on the lock screen. He puts down his utensils to reply to the younger, assuring him that everything is alright. He then puts it down and continues eating, glancing up at Kihyun.

Their eyes meet, but the gaze is only held for a moment before Kihyun looks away sheepishly.

Hoseok reaches over and squeezes Kihyun’s knee, giving him a consoling grin. Hoseok can be awkward about what happened between them later. For now, he has to put Kihyun at ease.

“So,” Hoseok says, pulling away to get another bite of food, “how was your session today?”

“Alright,” Kihyun answers almost immediately, obviously glad to have something to talk about. “We didn’t really talk about anything serious, mainly just about the upcoming holiday.” Hoseok hums, nodding as he stuffs his face. The younger pauses before adding, “You know, you shouldn’t have cooked tonight. Now that I know you can cook like this, I’m going to make you take over cooking duties a lot more.”

Hoseok laughs with renewed gusto at this, his mouth falling open as an almost musical laugh escapes him.

“I wasn’t going to tell you this,” Hoseok says, “but this is actually only one of three things I can make.” Kihyun leans back, laughing his high-pitched, hyena-like giggle that Hoseok has come to absolutely love.

“Of course you say that now, hyung,” Kihyun replies, plucking up a grain of rice from his bowl and throwing it at the older.

“Yah!” Hoseok complains playfully. “Respect your hyung!” He picks up a piece of his own rice and throws it at Kihyun, who’s only giggling again. Hoseok smiles fondly at the sight, unbelievably glad to have broken the ice.


	22. Chapter 22

The following weeks pass all too quickly, the semester comes to an end. Hoseok sees Kihyun off at the campus gates, hugging the younger goodbye a bit too long. Kihyun pulls away, squeezing the older’s arms with shining eyes. He assures Hoseok that the break will be over before either of them know it, though it feels like he’s trying to convince himself more than the other. Hoseok remains at the gate to watch Kihyun’s parents’ car drive away until he can’t see it anymore, and sighs as he turns to return to the dorm.

 

He enters the room, looking around. It feels too spacious suddenly, too empty. He pouts at this, and goes to turn on some music. Although, before long he grows restless. He gets up, deciding to go visit Minhyuk. The younger ended up not going home, either, the distance also too far to travel on a college budget.

 

“Hyung!” Minhyuk cheerily greets upon opening the door. He lunges forward to hug Hoseok with a surprisingly strong grip. Hoseok hums in the embrace, thinking that if he’s lucky enough to still have Minhyuk as such a good friend years from now, then his life won’t turn out half bad.

“Hey, Minhyukkie,” he replies. Minhyuk pulls away, smiling brightly as he grabs the older by the arm and tugs him inside.

“I guess Kihyun-ah left already?” Hoseok hums while nodding. He takes off his shoes and sits down at his old desk, noting the lack of things on it.

“Did Hyunwoo-ya leave, too?” he asks curiously. Minhyuk nods, his smile turning a bit sad at the question. Hoseok chuckles knowingly at the expression. “How are you two doing, by the way?”

“Great,” Minhyuk replies, his typically bright smile returning. “It took a while to get him to warm up to the idea to dating, to be honest, but he loves it now. Any day now I’m sure I’m just going to annoy him to death, but I’m enjoying this while it lasts.” Hoseok laughs at this, spinning around in the chair a couple times.

“I’m happy for you, Minmoongie,” he says. “I hope it works out for you. Hyunwoo’s a good guy.”

“He is,” Minhyuk agrees, chuckling to himself as he thinks of his boyfriend. He sighs, pausing to ask, “So, how are things with Kihyun? I guess I didn’t ruin anything with my big mouth…?”

“Of course not,” Hoseok answers quickly. “But, we haven’t gotten together, if that’s what you’re asking about. I wouldn’t feel right making a move when things are still so… unsettled, I guess, for him.” He licks his lips, memories of their rather tense near-kiss flooding his mind. Since then, one of the only things he’s been able to think about concerning Kihyun is kissing the younger. It’s awful, really. Nothing’s more distracting when trying to hold a conversation with someone while you’re trying to figure out what they’d taste like, what they’d feel like.

“ _Some_ thing happened,” Minhyuk observes, noting the older’s silence. Hoseok chuckles nervously, loving yet hating how he can’t seem to keep anything from his dear friend.

“We almost kissed,” Hoseok admits. Minhyuk gasps dramatically at the news, causing Hoseok’s anxious chuckle to return tenfold. “It actually was the same day you talked to him about making a move on Hyunwoo. We were just standing there, talking about how I don’t expect any sort of romantic relationship from him because of what he’s going through, but all of a sudden he’s hugging me and looking so cute I could kiss him…, and I nearly did.”

“Hoseok-ah, you idiot!” Minhyuk chastises, swatting at the older’s arm. Hoseok looks up at the younger looming over him, pouting as he lightly rubs at his arm. “You should’ve gone through with it! His face when I said that you like him… It was honestly so hopeful and doe-eyed I got nauseous. He’s totally into you.”

“That doesn’t matter, Minhyukkie,” Hoseok mumbles, fighting down the hope that swells within him at hearing this. “I’m not asking him out until he says he’s ready.” He then pauses, trying fruitlessly to keep himself from asking his next question. “What _did_ he say when you told him about how I feel?”

“Well,” the younger says, sitting down on Hyunwoo’s bed, “it isn’t exactly what he said, just how he looked, ya know?”

“So, he didn’t say that he was all that thrilled,” Hoseok sighs defeatedly.

“He said that he wasn’t interested in getting into a relationship with anyone,” Minhyuk replies, but is quick to add, “but that doesn’t mean that’s how he really feels. He could very well have just been saying that on autopilot. I’m telling you, hyung, if you’d have kissed him that day he wouldn’t have pushed you away.”

Hoseok can only hum at this, unsure of how exactly to react. He finds himself mentally admonishing his past self for being so stupid as to not take his chance when he had it, but at the same time he’s glad he didn’t. He still means what he told Kihyun, that he doesn’t want to rush him into anything. He doesn’t want to put the younger into a relationship until he brings it up. Otherwise he feels he’d just be pushing him into it, and that’s the last thing he wants. That was part of his original problem with Hyunwoo to begin with.

 

Kihyun sits down on the bed of his childhood, a sense of familiarity filling him. He can’t help but smile at the small knickknacks and stacks of books littering the shelves. Not so much clutter that it’d drive him crazy, but enough to make the room seem lived-in. He sighs, and absentmindedly goes to retrieve his phone to check for any missed calls or texts. Of course, there’s nothing.

He shakes his head at himself. Why would Hoseok be trying to get into contact with him already? It’s only been an hour since he’s left. He’s probably sitting around the dorm, enjoying his alone time… Alone… in the dorm… Kihyun shakes his head again, this time to get the depressing image of Hoseok sitting around the dorm by himself out of his mind. He should call the older, make sure that isn’t what he’s doing. Kihyun would absolutely hate it if that’s how his friend ends up spending his break. He’d honestly drive back to school to pick up Hoseok himself if that’s what’s in store for him, despite the whole not-having-a-license thing.

 _Stop_ , he tells himself. _The whole reason you came home in the first place is to distract yourself from Hoseok. You need to learn to live without him. He’s probably hanging out with Minhyuk, anyway. Hyunwoo would’ve gone home, too, so those two will keep each other company._

Kihyun frowns at this, the notion of anyone keeping Hoseok company other than himself filling him with an odd sense of jealousy.

 _Keep it together, Yoo Kihyun. There’s no reason to be jealous of Minhyuk. He and Hyunwoo are together now, and they seem to be doing fine based off the pictures Minhyuk posts of them on Twitter… But, what if Hoseok ends up meeting someone_ else _to hang out with? What then? What am I supposed to do then? No one can take my Hoseok from me without me even being there, I won’t allow it!_

Before he realizes what he’s doing, his hand is already on his doorknob to storm out of the house and get the first bus back to campus. However, he stops himself. He begins breathing heavily, backing away from the door and sliding down the nearest wall. He tucks his knees against his chest, staring thoughtfully at the floor.

He thinks back to when he and Hoseok had nearly kissed. His fingers gently brush against his own lips as they turn up in a grin as he wonders how soft Hoseok’s lips must be…

 _God,_ he realizes, leaning his head back against the wall thoughtfully, _I’m in way too deep._


	23. Chapter 23

“Is everything alright, Kihyunnie?” Kihyun’s mother asks him gently. He looks up from his dinner, humming as he gives the woman a nod. He then returns to the food, picking up his utensils to begin eating. The older woman gives an unconvinced look to her husband, whose face only mirrors the expression, and she clears her throat.

“How are you, dear?” she tries again. “Are you still seeing the school therapist about your depression, or have you decided to go on medication? I know you were thinking about that the last time we spoke.”

“I’m still seeing her,” Kihyun answers, though he doesn’t offer any details.

“And Hoseok is still helping you?” she presses on, determined to figure out the reason behind her son’s odd mood.

“Of course,” Kihyun replies. A small smile dances its way across his lips at the mention of Hoseok, and his mother can tell she’s struck a chord.

“How is Hoseok?” she says. “I haven’t seen him since you all left for school.”

“He’s fine,” Kihyun tells her. “He stayed behind at school, though, over break. It was too far to travel for him to go home, so he couldn’t go.”

“That’s awful,” his mother comments. “We should invite him here, then.”

“N-No!” Kihyun bursts out, dropping his own utensils in shock. His parents stare at him, surprised by his outburst. “I’m sure he’s made plans with Minhyuk-ah by now,” he adds in an effort to cover up his own overreaction. He quickly goes back to eating his food, stuffing his face and commenting on how good it is to try and change the subject. However, his mother is not having it.

“You and Hoseok sure spend a lot of time together,” she muses. Kihyun doesn’t bother acknowledging her comment, and merely stuffs his face more. “He’s also been extremely helpful to you through all this trouble with Hyunwoo and your depression.” She pauses, leaning forward to watch her son’s reaction as she asks, “Are you and Hoseok dating, Kihyunnie?”

Kihyun nearly chokes on his food at the accusation.

“Of course not,” he coughs out, beating on his chest to dislodge the clump of rice that’s gotten sucked down his windpipe amidst his gasp. “You know I’m not dating anyone right now, not after what I did to Hyunwoo.”

“My dear,” his mother chuckles knowingly, “is that what you’re telling yourself?”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You don’t have to feel guilty about dating Hoseok, Kihyun-ah,” she tells him gently. “Hyunwoo’s moved on, and from what you’ve been telling me he’s happy with how this all has ended up. If you like Hoseok in such a way, you should ask him out.”

“I’ve got this depression thing to sort out before I date anyone again,” Kihyun says.

“Even your therapist thinks you’re doing fine enough to start a new relationship,” his mother argues, but pauses. She drops her gaze suddenly, knowing she’s slipped up. Kihyun narrows his eyes at her almost accusingly.

“Noona never said anything like that to me,” Kihyun murmurs. “Have you been talking to Hyolyn-noona behind my back?”

“I only wanted to check on your progress, Kihyun-ah,” she defends, her eyes snapping up to meet his once again. “It’s a mother’s job to pry, keep in mind.” Kihyun scoffs at this, shaking his head as he rubs at his eyes. “Please don’t be angry with me, dear. The conversation just sort of took a turn, and we started talking about how you should return to your old pastimes to regain a sense of normalcy in your life. That _includes_ dating.”

“I’m not angry with you,” he tells her with a sigh. “I could never be angry with you, Eomma. I just want you to listen when I say that I don’t think I’m ready for that kind of commitment yet.” His mother sighs in defeat, at last relenting on the subject. He thanks her for understanding, and the family goes back to eating.

 

Kihyun lies down that evening, calling it an early night. He shakes his head at his mother’s interference, both loving her for and being annoyed by it. He glances over at his nightstand and picks up his phone, sighing at the lack of missed calls and texts.

 _No harm in calling him now_ , he thinks, and unlocks his phone to call the one person he’s been wanting to speak to all day since leaving his side.

 

Hoseok sits at his own desk, working on a song he’s been composing for a while now. He hopes to have it done before he graduates, so that he could possibly be taken officially into a company and have a proper job by the time he’s out of school. That’s the plan, anyway. Judging by how his projects are going right now, he’d be lucky if he gets a company job within the next ten years. Nothing he does to them sounds quite right, and he can’t tell what’s missing.

He’s so focused on his work that he nearly misses his phone ringing. He surprisedly glances down upon noticing it, picking up the call at the last second.

“Hello,” he murmurs distractedly into the phone.

“Are you actually getting work done during break?” Kihyun’s voice teasingly asks on the other end, causing Hoseok to nearly drop his phone in excitement.

“Kihyun-ah!” Hoseok greets. Kihyun chuckles at his elated tone, but Hoseok doesn’t mind. In fact, the sound of the younger’s smile brings a smile to his own face. “How was the drive? How’s your family doing?”

“Not too long,” Kihyun replies, “and my parents are fine, thanks for asking. How was your day?”

“Kind of long, actually,” Hoseok admits, pouting at his laptop screen. “I’ve been trying to work on one of my songs for the past few hours, but nothing sounds right.”

“Let me hear,” Kihyun requests. “Maybe I can help.” Hoseok hums in agreement, already pulling his phone away to put the call on speaker. He’s so used to asking the younger for help on his projects at this point, he can’t believe he hadn’t called earlier. Kihyun could always manage to unblock his creative flow. Hoseok plays the song, and listens dazedly to Kihyun humming along. He could never understand why Kihyun didn’t become a company trainee. The younger has such an amazing voice… it’s clearly meant for a better audience than a group of friends on karaoke night.

“Maybe if you change up the bridge a little,” Kihyun suggests, explaining the change he has in mind. Hoseok listens intently, already moving to follow the younger’s instructions. He does so and replays the song, this time liking it a whole lot more. He takes the call off speaker phone and presses the device back to his ear.

“That’s perfect, Kihyunnie,” Hoseok says gratefully.

“Have you even eaten yet?” Kihyun asks, suddenly worried. Hoseok pauses, glancing down at the clock. Kihyun sighs heavily, and Hoseok can almost hear him shaking his head. “You can’t even survive a whole day without me, hyung. What am I going to do with you?”

 _Then never leave me, Kihyunnie_ , Hoseok thinks as he stands, forcing out a chuckle.

“I just got caught up in work,” Hoseok defends jokingly. “I’ll be fine, I swear.”

“I’m just going to have to check up on you every day, won’t I?” Kihyun continues, and Hoseok can’t bring himself to deny the younger this. He loves too much the idea of Kihyun calling him every day throughout the break. The air between them grows thick as silence overtakes the conversation. Kihyun can hear the microwave starting up, and he sucks in a breath through his teeth.

“Please tell me you’re not eating a ramyeon this late at night.”

“I’m warming up leftovers, Kihyunnie,” Hoseok answers with a genuine laugh. “Don’t worry, I’m not going to eat junk so late when you’re not around.”

“Good,” Kihyun comments.

The two hold back a simultaneous sigh, each at a loss for what to talk about but not wanting to hang up either.

“I miss you, Kihyun-ah,” Hoseok murmurs. He doesn’t even realize he’s spoken until after the words have left his lips. He blushes, immediately beginning to blubber to try and cover up his own words. Kihyun chuckles at hearing this, seeing all too clearly the panicked light in the older’s eyes.

“I miss you too, hyung,” he replies, his words having an instant calming effect on his friend. “It’s only a few weeks, and then I’ll be back.” Hoseok hums at this, smiling at the thought of seeing the younger again.


	24. Chapter 24

True to his word, Kihyun calls every day over break to ‘check up on Hoseok’. Though, if he has to be honest with himself, that isn’t his only reason for calling. It just doesn’t feel like a full day until he hears the older’s voice. He envisions what Hoseok must be doing without him there to nag him about his shoes or keeping his desk tidy.

 _His shoes are probably scattered all around the door right now_ , Kihyun realizes with a shudder, the mental image enough to turn his stomach. He shakes his head at the thought, forcing himself to refocus on the task at hand. He’s helping his mother make samyetang for dinner that night, something he always has to have while at home. It’s his last night before heading back, so it’s either tonight or never.

“Eomma,” Kihyun says, earning a prompting glance from the woman, “could you give me your recipe for this? I’d like to make it for Hoseok-ah when I get back.” His mother hums knowingly, chuckling under her breath.

“Of course, Kihyunnie,” she answers. She then pauses before adding, “Did I ever tell you that samyetang was the first thing I made for your father?” Kihyun shakes his head in reply, not bothering to glance up from his work. “It was our first night in this house. I was so nervous to have him try my cooking for the first time…” She smiles fondly at the memory, and Kihyun can’t help but suck in a breath through his teeth at the obvious implications of the topic. This hadn’t been the first time during his time here she had tried to draw similarities between his parents’ relationship and his friendship with Hoseok.

“I’ve cooked for Hoseok-ah before, Eomma,” he tells her. “I just want to make him something good when I get back, to make up for all the junk food he’s probably eaten without me there.” His mother chuckles at this, an unreadable light filling her eyes.

“I still say you should’ve invited him to join us over the break,” she murmurs.

“I told you, he and Minhyuk-ah probably—”

“Yes, yes,” his mother says, waving off his words. She then steps away from the counter, wiping her hands on her apron. She leaves the room for a moment, leaving Kihyun to sigh heavily. He wishes his mother would just trust his own judgment about whether or not he’s ready to get into another relationship. However, he supposes it’s a mother’s job to meddle, so it’s to be expected.

The woman returns a few minutes later, a recipe card held gingerly. She offers the aging card to Kihyun, a gentle smile painting her face.

“I hope Hoseok likes it,” is all she says. Kihyun bows respectfully, straightening up to give her a grateful hug before leaving to put the card someplace safe for the trip back to school he’ll be taking tomorrow. He then returns to the kitchen, a smile remaining on his lips the rest of the night.

 

Hoseok waits nervously by the campus gate the following morning. He had promised Kihyun he’d meet him in the dorm, but he figured it’d be a nice surprise for the younger to see him as soon as he reached campus. Hoseok can't help but chuckle when he envisions Kihyun's shocked expression, his lips pursing as he tries to contain his laughter. It's probably similar to the look he'll wear when he sees the dorm spotless, and hears of the reservation Hoseok made for them at the steak restaurant he had heard about before.

Sure, Kihyun had mentioned on the phone the previous night about wanting to make something for Hoseok upon returning, but the older wanted tonight to be all about his friend. He didn't want the younger to have to lift a single finger his first evening back at school.

 

Just as expected, Kihyun stares at Hoseok with a bemused glance upon seeing the older waiting for him at the gate. He steps out of the car, bags in hands, an unreadable light in his eyes. The gaze gives Hoseok pause for a moment, not knowing quite how he should react, but the uncertainty disappears as soon as the shorter wraps his small arms around his waist. Hoseok chuckles, throwing his arms around the younger in return.

“Welcome back, Kihyunnie,” Hoseok murmurs in his ear, tightening his hold on Kihyun before pulling away. He bends down to take the bags from Kihyun’s hands, the gesture seeming to surprise the younger for a moment. Kihyun arches back with laughter upon realizing what the older is doing, and shakes his head. Hoseok smiles dazedly as he watches his reaction, having missed seeing his bright smile.

 

“Is it just me, or did the past few weeks pass by slower than usual?” Kihyun asks as they walk down the hall. Hoseok hums in agreement. Kihyun glances around the hallway, humming a tune under his breath. Something about Hoseok seems different than before he left, and now he finds himself a bit nervous to be around the older. He knows it’s ridiculous, but can’t help it. “How’s Minhyuk-ah doing?” he finally says, grateful to have thought of something else to say.

“Fine,” Hoseok answers. “He said to tell you hi, actually.” Hoseok clears his throat, pausing before adding, “He said not to tell you this, but I’m going to anyway.” Kihyun laughs at this, and Hoseok practically whips his head around to watch. After this time apart, he’s decided to never miss another one of Kihyun’s smiles. “He’s really grateful to you for giving him the go-ahead for him to ask Hyunwoo out. They’re really happy together.”

“I’m glad,” Kihyun murmurs, his energy shifting slightly. Hoseok frowns at this, worrying he’s said something wrong. Kihyun meets his gaze and chuckles, shaking his head. “Really, I’m happy for them. It just got me thinking…” He hesitates, unsure if he should bring this up to Hoseok. However, he mentally chastises himself almost immediately, thinking it ridiculous to want to keep anything from the older. “My mom wouldn’t stop mentioning every day how much she wants me to start dating again. Talking about Minhyuk-ah and Hyunwoo-ya just reminded me of it.”

“It is a m-mom’s job to d-do that,” Hoseok laughs, feeling nervous at the notion of Kihyun dating again. “She wants to know you’ll be able to find somebody to be happy with, maybe even to start a family with one day. That’s all.”

“I know,” Kihyun says, “it just got kind of annoying. It felt like she doesn’t trust my own judgments about whether or not I’m ready for another relationship.”

“Maybe ask Hyolyn-noona about it,” Hoseok suggests, pausing in his walking to readjust his holds on the bags. “You know, just to get her off your back.”

“She did that already,” Kihyun mumbles, sounding a bit annoyed. “Apparently Noona thinks it’s a good idea, too.” Hoseok trips over his own feet at this, his heartbeat stammering against his chest.

“She does?” he asks. He winces at himself, unable to deny the hopeful tone in his voice. He chuckles nervously, shrugging as Kihyun gives him a curious look. “I don’t know, maybe it’d be a good idea for you to at least go out to the bar or something. Socializing is good for you.”

“Maybe,” Kihyun muses, his eyes still not leaving the older’s face. Hoseok licks his lips nervously under the unwavering gaze, silently kicking himself for not keeping himself in check. Luckily, they soon reach the door to the dorm.

Kihyun sucks a surprised breath in through his teeth at seeing how clean the dorm is. Hoseok laughs wholeheartedly at the younger’s reaction, and passes him to put his bags down by his bed.

“Hyung,” Kihyun chuckles, “I’m impressed. You didn’t burn the place down while I was gone.”

“Yah!” Hoseok says through his own laughter, a wide smile overtaking his face. “Is that the thanks I get for taking care of the place while you were gone?” Kihyun leans back, having to hold his torso because of his now-aching ribs.

He straightens up, breathing deeply. Not even twenty minutes back and Hoseok has made him so happy, Kihyun can barely stand it.


	25. Chapter 25

“Hyung, where are we going?” Kihyun asks, unable to keep himself from laughing. Hoseok smiles excitedly at him over his shoulder, leading the younger down the hall by the hand.

“It’s a surprise, Kihyunnie,” is all Hoseok tells him, earning another chuckle from Kihyun.

“Since you wouldn’t let me start cooking,” Kihyun says thoughtfully, “I can only assume it’s something to do with dinner.”

“I just said it’s a surprise,” Hoseok defends, pouting. “Listen to your hyung!” Hoseok shoots the younger a playful glance, and they share a smile for a moment before he breaks the gaze. Kihyun’s eyes flit down to their intertwined fingers, a strange warmth filling his heart at the sight. He clears his throat, deciding to refocus his attentions on the way they’re going.

 

Hoseok doesn’t stop until they reach their destination, a decent-looking restaurant with a line of people pouring out the door. To Kihyun’s confusion, Hoseok merely leads them passed the crowd and into the restaurant itself. He gives his name to the hostess at the podium. The young woman nods graciously, and reaches into the alcove beneath the surface of her station to pull out two menus.

“Please follow me,” she requests, and Hoseok only nods before pulling Kihyun along.

“Hoseok-ah,” Kihyun says bemusedly, glancing back at the expectant crowd giving them murderous glares. “What is this place?”

“Remember before break when I told you about that steak restaurant I heard about in class?” It takes Kihyun a moment to recall, for it had been the same day as their near-kiss. Kihyun nods, hoping his ears aren’t turning nearly as red they feel like they are. “Well, I wanted to surprise you, so I went ahead and made a reservation for us tonight.” He pauses in his explanation as they sit down at their table, once their settled adding, “You’ve been through a lot, Kihyunnie. I just wanted to do something for you, to congratulate and encourage you.”

Kihyun is struck silent by the older’s consideration for him, unable to tear his gaze away from his roommate. Hoseok merely opens, clearly not realizing the effect his sincere words had on the younger. He had always _known_ Hoseok to be such a kind, caring, sensitive, hardworking soul, but hadn’t ever really experienced such care before.

“What’re you thinking of getting, Kihyun-ah?” Hoseok suddenly asks, breaking Kihyun out of his thoughts. Kihyun jumps slightly in his chair, fumbling to get his menu open. He doesn’t want the older to know he’d been staring at him, embarrassed by his own behavior. Hoseok glances up, wondering why the younger hadn't answered yet, and Kihyun manages to only shrug. Hoseok hums, returning his gaze to his own menu. He pulls his bottom lip in between his teeth, eyebrows crinkling together. Kihyun finds himself smiling at the thoughtful expression, finding it incredibly endearing.

 

The dinner is incredibly pleasant. The conversation flows incredibly well. Much better, Kihyun realizes, than it ever had. He then feels guilty for drawing this comparison, and quickly pushes such thoughts away. He focuses his attentions instead on the food.

They end up getting mere steaks with fries and Cokes to drink, but to Kihyun it’s just as good as a five-course meal. By the end of it, he’s stuffed and close to bursting from all the food he’s ingested. Hoseok watches the younger lean back in his chair, a contented smile painting his face, and can’t help but chuckle.

“Was it good, Kihyunnie?” he asks teasingly. “You’re not mad at me for changing plans without telling you?” Kihyun hums while shaking his head.

“This was perfect, hyung,” he sighs. He shares a gaze with Hoseok for a moment too long. He clears his throat, looking away while clearing his throat upon realizing. “I definitely have to cook for you tomorrow night to make up for it.” Hoseok chuckles again, shaking his head.

“You don’t have to make up anything to me, Kihyun-ah,” he tells the other easily. “Like I said, this was all a gift for you.” Kihyun hums again, unsure of how to respond this time. Yet again the sincerity in the older’s eyes renders him silent. The waitress comes to their table with the check, and Hoseok merely gives her his card with a nod. She quickly returns, giving the man back his card and thanking them for their business. She lingers for a moment, sliding a napkin to Hoseok before leaving.

A flare of jealousy ignites within Kihyun’s heart at seeing the string of numbers punctuated by a dash scrawled across the paper. Hoseok picks up the paper, eyes scanning the phone number, and shrugs as he puts it into his pocket. Kihyun blinks surprisedly at the almost nonchalant response to the gesture. Is this so typical for Hoseok that he doesn’t even feel the need to _act_ surprised?

Kihyun isn’t stupid. He knows that Hoseok is very attractive, and this isn’t the first time the older has been hit on in his presence. So, what’s so different about now? Why is Kihyun wanting to track down that waitress now and scare her off? What is he getting so mad for?

“Kihyun-ah?” Hoseok asks, pulling Kihyun out of his worsening thoughts. He pouts at the younger, noting his darkening expression. However, at seeing his worried glance, Kihyun merely pushes a bright smile to his face, revealing his wonderful dimples.

“Ready to go?” Kihyun says, and stands without waiting for a response. Hoseok frowns confusedly, having to hurry after him to catch up.

 

The two reach their dorm without speaking a word to each other. Hoseok wants to say something, to ask what caused the younger’s sudden change in mood, but he can’t quite make the words come out. He opens the door for Kihyun, who rushes inside with a tight smile in thanks to sit on his bed. He heaves a sigh as he sits, causing Hoseok to pout again. He feels Kihyun’s eyes follow him as he sits at his desk. He can’t help but squirm nervously under the gaze as he opens his laptop.

“Aren’t you going to throw it away?” Kihyun suddenly asks. Hoseok whirls around at the younger’s question, confusion clear on his face. Kihyun’s fingers drum faster on his knees as he explains, “That girl’s phone number. Aren’t you going to throw it away?” He pauses before adding, “Why’d you even take it, anyway?”

“Oh,” Hoseok murmurs, remembering the waitress at the restaurant. He moves to pull the napkin out of his pocket, shrugging as he crumples it up and tosses it towards the nearest trash can. “I don’t know, I was just trying to be nice. I didn’t want to be that jerk who just left the number there on the table for her coworkers and friends to laugh at her about it.”

“But now she’s expecting to hear from you,” Kihyun fires back. Hoseok inwardly shudders at his friend’s tone. Why were they arguing?

“I’m not going to call her,” Hoseok can’t help but defend. “I mean, she seemed nice and all, but—”

“I’m going for a walk,” Kihyun interrupts. He doesn’t bother waiting for a response. He merely gets up and leaves, leaving Hoseok to stare confusedly after him.


	26. Chapter 26

Kihyun shoves his hands into his pockets as he walks. He remembers the pretty girl from the restaurant, the kind smile Hoseok had given him as she offered her number… It makes Kihyun’s blood boil with envy.

 

He doesn’t even realize how far he’s gone until he’s at his old spot at the lakeside. He sighs, dropping down to sit. He stares down at the water, frowning.

Why did he care so much? Why should he care so much?

He shakes his head at himself, shoving his hands through his hair in frustration.

_“Hoseok hasn’t made his move yet, has he?”_

_“You and Hoseok sure spend a lot of time together.”_

_“You don’t have to feel guilty about dating Hoseok, Kihyun-ah.”_

Kihyun glances up at the other side of the riverbank, remembering how Minhyuk’s and his own mother’s words had made him feel. Nervous, annoyed,… and delighted. Almost relieved, even.

His mother’s knowing gaze comes to the forefront of his mind. He replays the scene of the waitress giving Hoseok her number, remembers the jealousy he had felt—which still somewhat lingers—and can’t help but sigh. He leans back on his hands, staring up at the sky.

He thinks of all the times Hoseok had made him feel happy, safe, and comforted. He remembers awakening from the grips of Death to see Hoseok’s tear-streaked cheeks, his indescribably anxious stare. Despite the horrors of that night, he had been glad Hoseok was there with him. He’s always been oddly thankful that Hoseok had been the one to bring him back.

He thinks of Hoseok’s impossibly innocent smile, his exuberant laughter that escapes him at every chance… Kihyun smiles, his heart becoming warm and fuzzy in his chest. The memories make him feel as if he’s weightless, and he chuckles at his own sappiness.

 _I guess there’s no more denying it_ , Kihyun realizes. He sighs again, shaking his head at himself.

 

Kihyun doesn’t realize how long he sits there, lost in his own thoughts, until his phone buzzes. It’s merely an email that’s come through, but he notes with a start that it’s been three hours since he left. Guilt enters his heart. Hoseok must be so worried.

The young man stands, rubbing his sore butt, and turns to leave. However, a nearby splash stops him. He frowns confusedly, wondering just who else would be here at this time of night. He moves to follow the sound, curiosity overriding his own caution at seeking out an assumed stranger. It doesn’t take long to find the source, though, Kihyun only having to walk a few feet.

“—so stupid,” a familiar lisp floats on the night air, causing Kihyun to smile. He pauses behind a tree, content to just watch the silhouette skip rocks across the water’s surface. “Why didn’t I just leave the napkin? Now Kihyun’s mad at me… I ruined tonight.” Hoseok pauses in his rock-skipping, instead staring forlornly at the water.

Kihyun’s heartbeat stutters at Hoseok’s defeated tone. Surely the older can’t be really blaming himself for Kihyun’s outburst? Of course, what else is he to think? Kihyun had left without any kind of explanation… He had done to Hoseok something he had done to Hyunwoo many times in the past.

 _No_ , Kihyun thinks determinedly. _That isn’t happening again. I won’t let that happen to Hoseok… I’ll make sure of that tomorrow._ _For now,…_

Kihyun steps out from behind the tree, and goes to stand beside the older. He slips his arm through the crook of Hoseok’s elbow, causing the older to jump surprisedly.

“Kihyun-ah!”

“You didn’t ruin tonight,” Kihyun tells him softly. “I did. I overreacted, partly because I was jealous and partly because I didn’t know _why_ I was so jealous. But, then I realized. I didn’t like the idea of anyone making a move on you, because you’re mine.” Kihyun is thankful that it’s so dark out, because otherwise the older would see his flaming cheeks.

“K-Kihyunnie—”

“You’ve done it, hyung,” Kihyun continues, this time his voice much softer. “You’ve managed to worm your way into my heart… The way you care for me and support me, that enough is to make me fall in love with you a hundred times over. I can’t fight it anymore.” He then breaks away from Hoseok, his hand sliding up to squeeze the older’s shoulder. Hoseok gazes down at him with wide eyes, his incredibly soft lips part in a look of utter shock. Kihyun smirks at the expression, unable to keep himself from chuckling amusedly.

“Y-Y-Yah!” Hoseok complains defensively, though it only serves to make him seem all the cuter because of his stutter. Kihyun merely chuckles again, both hands coming to rest on Hoseok’s chest. He then leans up on his tiptoes, and pulls Hoseok towards him.

Hoseok hums in surprise. Kihyun merely deepens the kiss in response, not wanting to break away. The older’s arms slowly snake around his waist, holding him tightly in place against himself. Emotions swirl within the younger, among them being overwhelming love, relief, and a sense of belonging greater than anything he had ever felt before. It’s hard for him to even process in this moment how _right_ it feels to be in Hoseok’s arms… If he could have it his way, he and the older would be frozen in this moment forever.

However, they eventually have to pull away. Their panting breaths mingle with one another, their noses still touching as they peer into each other’s shining eyes.

“A-Are you s-sure?” Hoseok asks, his voice a mere whisper. Kihyun hums, nodding as he wraps his arms around the taller’s neck. He then nuzzles his head against Hoseok’s broad chest, closing his eyes contentedly.

“Surer than I’ve ever been about anything, Hoseok-ah.”

 

Kihyun sits in Hyolyn’s office the next morning, having upheld his regular appointment time despite the fact classes hadn’t actually started yet or anything. She didn’t seem to mind, though. In fact, she had seemed happy to see Kihyun, even going so far as to hug the young man upon his arrival.

“Noona,” Kihyun begins, drumming his fingers anxiously against his knees, “I want to be put on medication.”

“Did something happen over the break?” Hyolyn asks, her voice full of concern. Kihyun shakes his head, but stops to give a small nod.

“Kind of,” Kihyun slowly explains at her confused frown. “Hoseok and I are together now.”

“That’s wonderful, Kihyun-ah!” Hyolyn compliments, her voice taking on a level of excitement Kihyun had never heard before. Kihyun can’t help but chuckle at the outburst.

“Thanks,” he says, “we just got together yesterday. But, it happened after I stormed out during a fight we were having… It was over something stupid, something that _I_ was insecure over for no reason. That’s something I used to do with Hyunwoo-ya all the time, and Hoseok deserves better. I want to be someone he can depend on as much as I rely on him.” He pauses before adding, “Besides, you yourself said I need a system other than Hoseok, but he’s the only one I really trust. So, all that really leaves is medication.” It takes Hyolyn too long to reply for Kihyun’s liking, and he worries he’s said something wrong.

“If you really think that’s best, Kihyun-ah,” Hyolyn finally says, her words coming out slowly, “then I’ll direct you to someone who can give you a prescription.”

“Thank you, Noona,” Kihyun responds immediately, nodding a million miles a second. Hyolyn merely gives him a small, hesitant smile, but Kihyun doesn’t really register the concerned gaze. He’s too happy with his success to be bothered by it.


	27. Chapter 27

A month passes, full of countless changes in Kihyun’s outlook. It’s hard for him to believe how great the medication makes him feel, even though it’s a low dosage the doctor has started him out on. Maybe his depression wasn’t as bad as it was, requiring only a little jolt to be kept in check. Hoseok helps him during the first couple weeks to remember to take the new medication, being as perfect as ever. The couple begins to have a standard date night, and Hoseok reveals each time just how much of a romantic he truly is.

Despite all this, though, something nags at the back of Kihyun’s mind. He can’t help but feel guilty for everything Hyunwoo had gone through for them all to reach this point.

 

It’s because of this that Kihyun now finds himself sitting at a café, sipping on an Americano as he stares out the window. He had asked Hyunwoo to meet him a few days ago, to which the older had immediately replied yes. Kihyun nervously hums to himself in the empty café, earning curious glances from the baristas. He doesn’t care, though. Today Hyunwoo is going to get the explanation he deserves.

 

The older enters the café right on time, and sights Kihyun immediately. Kihyun awkwardly stands and gives Hyunwoo a one-armed hug before they sit.

“How are you, hyung?” Kihyun asks, his voice coming out much meeker than he had meant for it to. Hyunwoo gives Kihyun an understanding smile, eyes becoming crescents set beneath his brow.

“I’ve been good, Kihyunnie,” he tells him. “How are you and Hoseok?” Kihyun feels guilty at the question, though he knows the older didn’t mean anything by it. Hyunwoo’s too kind to have meant anything underhanded.

“We’re alright,” Kihyun answers. He sucks in a breath through his teeth, trying to figure out how he should word this. He’d tried to get his words together ever since he decided to text Hyunwoo about meeting up, but hadn’t managed to think of anything that seemed quite right. “Hyung,” he says, “I asked you here today because I think you deserve an explanation for everything that happened between us.”

Hyunwoo visibly ripples at this, his broad shoulders rolling as Hyunwoo readjusts his position in his seat. Kihyun notes the tense way he sits, and immediately regrets bringing up the sore subject. However, he needs to get this out.

“I need you to understand it wasn’t anything you did,” Kihyun goes on, having difficulty meeting the older’s eyes. “It was all me. I know that sounds like some lame line, but it isn’t. I didn’t realize this until after we broke up and I went to a counselor, but I had clinical depression. It caused me to lash out at anyone close to me.

“I still have it, actually,” he adds quickly, “but I’m taking medication now, and seeing a counselor regularly. I’ll always have it, but I have a way to deal with it now. I just… I regret that you had to be put through hell for me to realize all this.” He hesitates before saying, “I don’t think it’ll ever be possible to put into words how sorry I am about how I treated you. You never deserved any of it.”

Kihyun pauses, having said everything he’s initially meant to say. He pats his lips nervously, hoping everything came out okay. He mentally runs through what he’s said, breaking away from the older’s gaze to drink from his coffee. Hyunwoo quietly watches him, clearly processing all he’s been told.

“Thank you, Kihyun-ah,” he finally says, much to Kihyun’s relief, and tries for a smile. “Hearing all that… It certainly sheds some light on our situation.” The two share a chuckle at his words, and he shakes his head before continuing. “I’m glad that you realized the problem and have found what you needed. It’s good to see you so happy.”

“It’s good to see you so happy, too, hyung,” Kihyun is quick to say. He forces out a laugh before admitting, “To be honest, it’s a huge relief. It means I didn’t screw you up nearly as badly as I had worried I did.” Hyunwoo chuckles lowly at this.

“I’ll be honest,” Hyunwoo sighs, “it did do a number on me for a while. But, Minhyuk-ah helped me through it all.”

“I’m glad,” Kihyun says, his voice a mere whisper. Hyunwoo hums, eyes shining happily.

The two sit there, staring contentedly at one another. They’ve been through a lot with one another since they met in high school, but neither would want to change a second of it, because it’s brought them to where they are now.

 

Another month passes before the end of the term comes to the group. Hoseok and Kihyun rent a place off-campus, as do Minhyuk and Hyunwoo. Hoseok has managed to finish one of his many songs, and sent it off to a plethora of companies with an application to become a producer. He had sent it at Kihyun’s request, not really expecting much to come from it. Imagine his surprise when Starship Entertainment responded with an offered contract. The same company, coincidentally which had snatched up Hyunwoo for a choreographer’s position after his graduation that year.

 

The next year passes by in a blur for the friends. Minhyuk graduates with a degree in business and childcare, and is hired by an upscale daycare center. He and Hyunwoo have already eloped, and are discussing having children of their own. Hoseok and Kihyun also graduate, one with a degree in music and songwriting and the other with a degree in theater.

To celebrate them all having made it through school, the group goes out to their old college bar. They sit on the grimy, now-somewhat-creaking stools. Hoseok and Kihyun lean against the counter, watching as Minhyuk drags Hyunwoo off to the karaoke corner. Hoseok glances over at Kihyun, love shining clearly in his eyes.

“Kihyunnie,” Hoseok murmurs, a certain little box seeming to weigh thirty times its normal weight in his pocket. He hadn’t wanted to ask so out-of-the-blue, wanting instead to plan the perfect evening around such an event, but he finds himself not caring. No matter what he does, the moment won’t be perfect unless Kihyun says yes.

Kihyun glances over curiously at Hoseok, a concerned frown coming to his face at seeing the older’s anxious state.

“What is it, hyung?” Kihyun asks. Hoseok licks his lips nervously, slipping his hand into his pocket to clasp around the box that he’s had for weeks.

“I…” he says, trying desperately to find the right words. “I l-love you, Kihyunnie. I d-don’t th-think it’s possible for you to know how much.” Kihyun can’t help but chuckle at the sudden proclamation, shaking his head. “That night, when you k-kissed me by the r-r-riverbank… I thought that’d b-be the best n-night of my life…”

“A month from then was the best night of your life, I guess,” Kihyun jokes flirtatiously, shooting the older a wink upon referencing the first night they’d made love.

“N-N-No!” Hoseok nearly shouts, his cheeks flushing, causing the younger to lean back in breathy laugher. He then pulls his lower lip between his teeth in a pout, the expression making his boyfriend sober up. “Kihyunnie, I’m trying to be serious here.”

“I’m sorry, hyung,” Kihyun apologizes with a sweet smile. “Go on.” Hoseok hums, and takes a deep breath.

 _Now or never_ , he thinks. _If I don’t do it now, I won’t ever do it._

“Yoo Kihyun,” Hoseok says, his voice shaking slightly from his nerves as he pulls out the box and opens it, “will you marry me?”

Time seems to freeze as Kihyun’s eyes widen in surprise. He reaches forward, pulling out the simple yet elegant engagement ring out from the box. He slides it onto his own finger, eyes seeming to water at the sight of it shining on his hand. Though, everything in Hoseok’s vision starts to swim, so he can’t really be sure. Kihyun glances up to meet the older’s gaze, chuckling softly at seeing his watering eyes.

“Of course, Hoseok,” Kihyun answers easily. Hoseok cries out, wrapping his arms around Kihyun and kissing the top of his head as he pulls the younger close. Kihyun chuckles at the reaction, not even hesitating to return the embrace.

“I love you so much, Hoseok-ah,” Kihyun murmurs against Hoseok’s chest.

“So, you _finally_ popped the question,” Minhyuk’s knowing voice suddenly echoes around them, causing the couple to break away. Their friend is standing on the karaoke stage with his husband, leaning tipsily against the mic stand. “About time, Hoseok! You’ve been carrying that thing around for _weeks_.” Kihyun barks in laughter at this, giving Hoseok a teasing glance. Hoseok can only smile at everyone turning to look at them, knowing he can’t very well kill Minhyuk while they’re out in public.


	28. Chapter 28

They get married in the spring, a time of revival and new beginnings. It seemed fitting to Kihyun for them to have it at this time, because of the night Hoseok had saved his life. Really, it was that night, for him, when everything between them began. Minhyuk is Hoseok’s best man, and Hyunwoo is more than happy to fill the title for Kihyun. It’s a small ceremony, with only their close friends and family there to witness it. Neither can stop smiling for months after the ceremony, happiness coursing through their veins at every breath they take.

 

It isn’t until years later, after Hyunwoo and Minhyuk have successfully had two wonderful children by way of surrogacy, that the couple begins discussing having a child of their own. Kihyun has put it off much longer than he had intended, hesitant about the notion.

“You’ve always said you wanted kids, Kihyunnie,” Hoseok says as they sit on the couch, watching TV after dinner. Kihyun sucks in a tired breath through his teeth. He hadn’t wanted to discuss this _again_ today, but Hoseok just won’t drop it. He can’t blame his husband, though. Having a family has always been something Kihyun wanted, but for the past few months it just hasn’t seemed worth the hassle.

“Hyung,” Kihyun sighs, remembering what his counselor had said might be the cause, “I don’t think my medication is working anymore…” Hoseok physically stiffens at this, his mood instantly shifting. “It’s just that sometimes everything seems too much trouble. Sometimes I feel so empty inside that I don’t see why I should go on doing anything.”

“Have you spoken to—?”

“I have,” Kihyun answers, already knowing Hoseok’s question, “and she thinks it’s the medication, too. She suggested I go off it for a while, to at least see if it helps.” Hoseok hesitates in responding, watching as his husband rubs at his eyes tiredly. “I want to have a kid, Hoseok, I do,” Kihyun whispers, “but I can’t, _won’t_ , bring a child into this mess.”

“Okay, yeobo,” Hoseok says, leaning forward to rub soothing circles into Kihyun’s back. Kihyun melts into the touch, humming contentedly. “If she thinks it’s okay, and if you want to try, then I’ll support you.”

Kihyun turns to Hoseok with a grateful smile, reaching for Hoseok’s other hand to place a kiss against his palm. Hoseok returns the smile, pulling Kihyun against his chest. The younger snuggles against him, and they share a sigh.

 _It’ll be alright_ , Hoseok tells himself. _Kihyunnie was doing fine before he even went on medication in the first place. I’m sure he’ll be able to handle it without the pills…_ He absentmindedly tightens his grip on the love of his life, subconsciously daring any stupid depression to try and get between them. He’s enough to make Kihyun see reason, if anything happens. He saved Kihyun from the edge, and he’ll do it another hundred times if it means Kihyun can live how he wants.

“I love you, Hoseok-ah,” Kihyun mumbles under his breath, already sounding half-asleep. Hoseok chuckles, bending his head forward to place a kiss against Kihyun’s hair.

“I love you, too, my Kihyunnie.”


	29. Author's Note

 

Wow...

Honestly, I did not expect this fic to be so long when I started it, lol.

A million thanks to everyone who's stuck with it since the beginning and supported this fic! I read all your comments, I really do, and they honestly give me so much life I can't even put it into words.

Y'all are the absolute best!!!!! 

 

However, this isn't quite the end yet because *drumroll*

............................

I've decided to write a fic centered around Minhyuk and Shownu's relationship in this storyline!!!!!!!

They've honestly been such a great everpresent background couple, for me, that I've just gotta do something to spotlight them. It won't be as long as this one, I promise (lol), but it definitely is coming up.

 

Thanks again for all of your support!!!!!!!! I probably wouldn't have even made it through all of this fic without it.

<3


	30. Update!!

As promised, here's the link of the Showhyuk side of the story~! 

[A Kiss in the Afternoon](http://archiveofourown.org/works/11330034)

 

Enjoy!!!


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